[extropy-chat] you always wanted to try Linux? Now's your chance!
eugen at leitl.org
Wed Apr 7 15:00:04 UTC 2004
Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User's Notes
By Lucy A. Snyder
5 April 2004
Let's face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat on a
Compaq, his mom's toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing earns you geek
points like installing Linux on a dead badger. So if you really want to earn
your wizard hat, just read the following instructions, and soon your friends
will think you're slick as caffeinated soap.
Minimum Installation Requirements:
one (1) pocketknife
one (1) screwdriver, flathead, to install Duppy card (see item 4.
USB, Ethernet, or a free slot for wireless networking card
Telnet or SSH client installed
cyberspiritual controller program such as FleshGolem (MacOSX and
Linux), Phranken (Windows 98, ME, 2000), or ItzaLive (MacOS 8.1-9.x and
one (1) Duppy card (available in CardBus and PCI models) or
SpiritInTheSky external adapter (available in ethernet and USB models)
VüDü Linux (available from Twisted Faces Software)
minimum 3' x 3' (1m x 1m) fireproof surface, in secure, ventilated area
one (1) dead badger, good condition
Optional Installation Requirements:
one (1) gallon of holy water (Bless! brand exorcise water is ideal) in
a silver or silver-plated bucket
one (1) pair latex gloves
one (1) fluid ounce of flea-killing shampoo such as Ecto-Soothe or
running water and a large sink or washtub
The following test installation was conducted on the concrete floor of the
garage of a detached single-story house, on unconsecrated ground, using a
400MHz clamshell iBook, and began shortly after local sunset.
Step 1: Find a suitable badger. Specimens from zoos are ideal, but suitable
badgers can be found as roadkill along highways in many parts of North
America, the British Isles, continental Europe, Asia, and parts of Africa.
Other animals of family Mustelidae can be used in place of a badger,
but an adapter may be required. See Appendix II for details.
Step 2: Once you have obtained a dead badger, check it carefully for
structural damage, particularly in the spine, skull, and legs. Dead badgers
do not heal, and a badger with broken legs will display limited mobility.
Brain and spinal cord damage is likely to interfere with the Linux
installation and render any successfully-installed system unstable, as well
as voiding all explicit and implicit warranties according to the laws of any
and every state, country, or alternate dimension, present or future.
As a precaution against infection, wear latex gloves at all times when
handling your dead badger. It is highly recommended that you wash the carcass
with a suitable flea-killing shampoo.
Step 3: Obtain a copy of FleshGolem or other cyberspiritual controller
program. This test was conducted with a copy of FleshGolem downloaded from
the Apple site's utilities section. Follow all installation instructions
carefully, including addenda in the readme.txt file.
All cyberspiritual controllers should be compatible with either Duppy
cards or SpiritInTheSky adapters.
Step 4: Insert Duppy card or attach external SpiritInTheSky adapter. Duppy
cards work best if you're using a Mac with an Airport slot; response on the
external SpiritInTheSky adapter may be sluggish. Further notes below apply
only to Duppy card installation on the test iBook used.
The card has a hinged lid and a clear cover over what looks like a
small, shallow ivory box. Open and place a small amount of hair and blood
from the badger in the compartment, then close the cover, being careful not
to let stray hairs stick out of the compartment. Install card into Airport
slot by unlatching the small white tabs at the top of the keyboard, lifting
keyboard assembly off (being careful of the wires), and inserting card into
Step 5: Install Duppy card security antenna (included with card) in badger.
Badgers may be run without security anntenas, but this is not recommended.
Insecure badgers may be hacked by anyone with a compatible card and badger
bits. Each Duppy card/antenna system is uniquely coded so that a properly
installed system will allow only the original user to run the badger.
To install antenna, make a small incision with the pocketknife at the
nape of the badger's neck. Then shove the antenna down the badger's back
under the hide. Antenna must lie as flat as possible along the spine, or
security will be suboptimal. Antenna may also be installed by cutting the
badger's back skin open, but requires post-installation stitchery to restore
structural integrity; this method is recommended for licensed taxidermists
Step 6: Install your badger's operating system. VüDü is the preferred Linux
distribution for badgers and related species (see Step 1). This distro was
designed by German software engineers who contributed to the SuSE project
before they started up Twisted Faces Software in Jamaica. An alternative
distribution is Pooka, which is available for download at SoulForge.net.
However, there is no alpha build for MacOS and Amiga, and some Windows NT
users have found that the Harvey utilities built into Pooka may cause sudden,
unpredictable invisibility issues.
VüDü Tech Tips:
Default partitioning: /root goes in the spinal cord and brain stem,
/swap and /soul go on the left hemisphere of the brain, and /usr, /var, and
/home go on the right. If you're working with a badger with damage to one of
those areas, you can repartition one or the other brain hemisphere, but as
noted in Step 2, using a brain-damaged badger is not recommended and may
interfere with successful installation.
System configuration information and the spiritual components of the
package come on a small, rolled-up piece of parchment. Space is available to
write in a password, as well as any auxiliary programs like NecroNull. The
VüDü package comes with two scrolls, but a Santeria, Vodoun, Wiccan, or
Catholic priest or priestess who has undergone Twisted Faces' scrollmaking
training can also provide suitably blessed parchments. Check the VüDü home
page to find a qualified cleric in your area.
When modifying the scroll, be sure to use chicken blood-based ink, and
write neatly. Various languages may be used on the scroll -- VüDü is written
in SoulScript, but successful modifications have been made in Latin, Hebrew,
and Enochian. Further modifications can be made by Telnetting or SSHing into
your badger later; start only with essential information. After finishing
modifications, roll up the scroll and stick it down the badger's throat, all
the way into the stomach. Use a screwdriver or pencil to get it all the way
Step 7: Install VüDü itself. In the package, there will be a large square of
herb-scented paper. This is the entire code for VüDü. Fold this paper into an
origami shape resembling the animal you're installing VüDü on (see also
Appendix II). There are folding directions for common animals in the box.
Make a hollow inside your paper badger and add a little more blood and hair
from your animal.
Don't lose the paper; replacements are expensive. There are recipes for
homemade paper on the Web, but getting all the information correctly
transcribed is a huge task, as this must be handwritten; furthermore, the
requirements of herb collecting, drying, and curing are formidable.
Step 8: Invocation/boot procedures. Place badger in center of fireproof
surface, making sure ventilation is adequate and all doors are locked. Turn
off all cell phones and pagers, and cease using all other unapproved
electronic devices. Using the badger's blood, smear a foot-wide pentagram
around its body. Place origami code-badger at the top point of pentagram, and
light paper while making the boot incantation:
Suse vivo vixi victum reduco is ea id creatura absit decessus a
facultas Linux! Dev root, dev root!
The paper should burn with green flames. Black or gray means the herbs
were improperly prepared. Purple flames indicate kernel panic; douse the
flames with the bucket of holy water and abandon installation site
immediately. Seek shelter at the nearest church or other consecrated area.
You may need to enlist the assistance of an exorcist if you cannot reach
shelter in time.
When you produce green smoke, it should flow over the badger and into
its mouth and nose. The badger will awaken as a Linux-powered zombie. Enjoy
your new undead badger.
Reanimation puts most creatures in a foul mood, and the test badger
woke up murderously angry, requiring a hasty launch of FleshGolem to get the
beast under control. It is highly recommended to have the computer close at
hand during the incantation.
If the badger isn't responding correctly, you may need to make some
configuration adjustments via Telnet; instructions are in the VüDü manual.
If the badger does not respond at all to the boot incantation, call
Twisted Faces' tech support. Make sure to try all other troubleshooting
options first. After two free calls, tech support will cost you an arm and a
leg. . .and they'll only accept fresh, gangrene-free limbs.
DISCLAIMER: No badgers or Macintoshes were harmed in the course of this test
installation. Your results may vary. Please note that zombie badgers are
banned in many municipalities in California and Wisconsin; zombie badgers
must remain leashed at all times in Texas. Zombie badgers can move at great
speeds, and are prone to sudden acceleration; use proper caution when driving
your zombie badger. Do not allow your zombie badger to consume mushrooms or
African snakes, or your badger may emit catchy techno music. Do not taunt
zombie badgers. Prolonged use of a zombie badger may cause acne, insomnia,
leprosy, unusual weather, or the end of time. Please dispose of your zombie
badgers properly; consult your local recycling company for proper disposal
Copyright © 2004 Lucy A. Snyder
Eugen* Leitl <a href="http://leitl.org">leitl</a>
ICBM: 48.07078, 11.61144 http://www.leitl.org
8B29F6BE: 099D 78BA 2FD3 B014 B08A 7779 75B0 2443 8B29 F6BE
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