[extropy-chat] 9/11 Tribute (?) - The Way It Should Have Been

[Johnius]

[JM: great little piece here, sorry I couldn't send it out
a couple of days ago. Enjoy :-)]

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The Way It Should Have Been, by Bob Wallace,  June 17, 2004

      Hijacker: This is a hijacking! I have a boxcutter!

      Grandma: I have a .45! Now reach for the sky, or I'll put a hole 
in that diaper-hat on top of your pointy little head!

      Hijacker: What?! I did not know Americans were allowed to carry
handguns on airplanes! I thought the liberals took away your firearms 
and your gonads!

      Grandma: What alternate universe do you live in? This is America, 
land of the free and home of the brave! And the armed!

      Bureaucrat: Everyone put away your handguns and surrender! Do what
they tell you! There won't be any trouble if you just act like sheep!

      Grandma: Shut up you, you worthless idjit! (Smacks bureaucrat on top
of his head, which causes him to cry like a girl.) Anyone who listens to
anything said by anyone from the government deserves exactly what they get!

      Hijacker: Surrender! We are going to fly these planes into the 
World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the White House!

      Grandma: Bringing a knife to a gunfight, huh?

      Hijacker: My faith will protect me!

      Grandma: Oh yeah? (BLAM!)

      Hijacker: AIEEEE!! The 72 virgins await me! (Topples over, exits.)

      Other hijackers: Look! Everyone on the plane has handguns pointed 
at us! We surrender!

      Passengers: (chorus): Oh, really?

      Osama bin Laden: Dang. My plan to draw the US into a war so the entire
Islamic world will hate them just fell apart! Now I'll have to find another
way to get America to bleed itself dry of blood and treasure! Drats! My
nefarious plans foiled! (Looks pensive.) But then, on the other hand, I'm
not going to end up a pile of squashed bones under a mountain in
Afghanistan!

      George Bush: Ah, shoot. Now I'll go down in history as a mediocre
president who presided over a miniscule tax cut and some minor deregulation.
(Looks pensive.) Well, I guess that's better than being known as a
stumble-tongued fool who fell into Osama bin Laden's trap and started 
World War III!

      Neocons: Dang! Our insane leftist plans to conquer the Middle East
just went up in smoke! (Looks pensive.) On the other hand, at least we're
not going to be exposed as the deluded, traitorous, crackpot, chickenhawk
armchair-general cowards that all of us really are!

      800+ Americans: Yay! Now we don't have to die before our time in a
worthless effort to impose our values and way of life on people who don't
want them!

      1000+ Americans: Yay! Now I won't lose my eyes, arms, legs, brain 
and all kinds of body parts!

      10,000+ Iraqis: Yay! Same with us!

      Father: Hi, honey! I'm home from my job at the World Trade Center!

      Wife: Thank goodness! A bunch of nuts tried to hijack four planes and
fly them right into the building where you work! The passengers shot a 
bunch of them and the rest surrendered!

      Father: Wow! I might have been killed! Good thing those passengers
were armed! Why, 3000 people could have been killed had the hijackers
succeeded!

      Daughter: Daddy! You're home!

      Father: Yep, honey, safe and sound, thanks to the brave citizens of
this wonderful country, who understand how utterly foolish and worthless 
the government really is. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,
right honey?

      (A reader sent in this "correction")

      Daughter: It sure is, daddy! Yay for the real America, and real
Americans! Now can we please run over to the shooting range so I can get 
in my practice rounds with the rest of my Advanced Shooting Team? Please 
please please???