[extropy-chat] holy cow people, batman!

spike spike66 at comcast.net
Sat May 7 16:47:15 UTC 2005

> ... Granted the Extropian list may not be the best
> place to look for poetic license but holy cow people!
> John K Clark

Thanks, John, my thoughts exactly.

Do you know any holy cow people?  I need to
consult with them if so, and they really don't
even need to be holy, just so long as they are
cow people.  My parents recently purchased a
cattle ranch.  I have learned some new
terminology which must be mastered, for I elicited 
gales of derisive laughter by commenting on 
70 heads of cattle.  I was told that the plural 
of head is head.  So I countered that I really 
meant that this ranch supports 280 hoof of cattle, 
or if they prefer, 140 kidney of cattle.  These 
explanations failed to make clear my intention.  Perhaps 
holy cow people are not good with mental arithmetic.

Another such puzzler is the term "cow puncher".  Would 
not the SPCA object to punching the cattle?  I know 
the definition of "cowboy", having seen them strumming 
guitars and singing on TV, but it is not clear why the 
gender of the cow-human must be specified in this 
context, holy or otherwise.  And what if this cow-human 
received a tech upgrade of his or her mind or body?  Would 
he or she be a cow-transhuman?  Or a trans-cowhuman?  

I know from viewing Bonanza there is such a thing 
as a cow poke, altho I am reluctant to inquire 
regarding the actual job description of such a 
profession.  Hoss Cartwright was a cow poke, but
the producers of the show drew the curtain of
mercy upon further elaboration.  

In any case, I have concluded that cattle are 
painfully boring lifeforms.  Having learned from which 
end the moo emerges, I soon began to suspect that 
this moo is apparently the only verbiage of which 
these beasts are capable.  Horses appear to utter 
at least three comments: "nay", "whinny" and that 
b-b-b-b-b flappy lips thing that horses do.  

It seems cows could work out a more effective
system of communications, such as long 
and short moos.  If, for instance, a cow 
were in distress, she could comment: 
moo moo moo MOOO MOOO MOOO moo moo moo.

Perhaps we could call it moorse code or something.


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