[extropy-chat] The spiritual life clarified

[Damien Broderick]

from THE ONION:

LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Monday by the American
Institute of Religions, the Church of Scientology, once one of the
fastest-growing religious organizations in the U.S., is steadily losing
members to the much newer religion Fictionology.

"Unlike Scientology, which is based on empirically verifiable
scientific tenets, Fictionology's central principles are essentially
fairy tales with no connection to reality," the AIR report read. "In
short, Fictionology offers its followers a mythical belief system free
from the cumbersome scientific method to which Scientology is
hidebound."

Created in 2003 by self-proclaimed messiah Bud Don Ellroy,
Fictionology's principles were first outlined in the self-help
paperback Imaginetics: The New Pipe-Dream Of Modern Mental
Make-Believe.

   Fictionology's central belief, that any imaginary construct can be
incorporated into the church's ever-growing set of official doctrines,
continues to gain popularity. Believers in Santa Claus, his elves, or
the Tooth Fairy are permitted—even encouraged—to view them as deities.
Even corporate mascots like the Kool-Aid Man are valid objects of
Fictionological worship.

   "My personal savior is Batman," said Beverly Hills plastic surgeon
Greg Jurgenson. "My wife chooses to follow the teachings of the Gilmore
Girls. Of course, we are still beginners. Some advanced-level
Fictionologists have total knowledge of every lifetime they have ever
lived for the last 80 trillion years."

"Sure, it's total bullshit," Jurgenson added. "But that's Fictionology.
Praise Batman!"

While the Church of Fictionology acknowledges that its purported
worldwide membership of 450 billion is an invented number, the AIR
report estimates that as many as 70 percent of the church's followers
are former Scientologists.

Church of Scientology public-relations spokesman Al Kurz said he was
"shocked" when he learned that Fictionology is approaching the
popularity of his religion.

"Scientology is rooted in strict scientific principles, such as the
measurement of engrams in the brain by the E-Meter," Kurz said.
"Scientology uses strictly scientific methodologies to undo the damage
done 75 million years ago by the Galactic Confederation's evil warlord
Xenu—we offer our preclear followers procedures to erase overts in the
reactive mind. Conversely, Fictionology is essentially just a bunch of
make-believe nonsense."

Hollywood actor David McSavage, who converted to Fictionology last
year, attempted to explain.

"Scientology can only offer data, such as how an Operating Thetan can
control matter, energy, space, and time with pure thought alone,"
McSavage said. "But truly spiritual people don't care about data,
especially those seeking an escape from very real physical, mental, or
emotional problems."

   McSavage added, "As a Fictionologist, I live in a world of pretend.
It's liberating."

A tax-exempt organization, the Church of Fictionology stands poised to
become a great moneymaking power if it continues to grow at its current
rate—a situation Kurz called "outrageous."

"In recruiting new members, Fictionology preys on the gullible with
fanciful stories and simple-minded solutions," Kurz said. "Fictionology
is depriving legitimate churches of the revenue they need to carry out
charitable works worldwide—important charitable works like clearing the
planet of body-thetan implants."