[extropy-chat] Bloke No; Baby Yes

[Emlyn]

On 26/09/05, Olga Bourlin <fauxever at sprynet.com> wrote:
> From: "Emlyn" <emlynoregan at gmail.com>
> > http://alphamom.com/
>
> > Oops, I had a bit of a look at the site, and it seems innocuous
> enough. I read an article about the founder (in an Oz magazine on dead trees
> only I'm afraid) which was incredibly scathing about her and the alphamoms
> in general. Her philosophy (and the philosophy of Alphamom, at least to
> begin with) seemed to be that parenting is essentially a management
> discipline. She has a son, but luckily she can afford a nanny, a night
> nurse, and somebody else (I forget... housekeeper I think) all working long
> hours. Apparently she works one hundred hours per week on Alphamom. Her
> hubby, her son's Dad, works similar hours doing whatever he does.
>
> > I just can't figure out where the parenting is in all of that.
>
> I think making a living for someone else's benefit - sustaining a
> household - qualifies as parenting to some large degree.  Who knows whether
> certain people who work long hours don't have the best weekends (relaxed,
> nurturing, educational, fun, being filled with good memories?) with their
> children?

No, they don't.

> Also, IMO it is good for children to observe a more egalitarian society -
> both parents working, and perhaps even providing a living for other people.
>
> Olga
>

A more egalitarian society is excellent. But having all the parents in
the family off in paid work, working fulltime plus, is not good,
unless perhaps you have surrogate parents (eg: grandparents sometimes
fill this role).

There is a modern myth that you can have it all; high pressure
fulfilling career, great relationship, great family. I think though
that this is something that the history of western men in the 20th
century mostly puts the lie to.

There has been in masculine culture the meme for a good long time that
your job is to be provider. Work 100 hours a week if you have to,
that's your job, your job as parent is not to provide direct care and
nurturing but rather to provide resources. And there is *some* truth
to that, in that a family needs resources, most definitely. The life
of provider is one I've lived all my adult life. I have found
personally that it's not the whole story however. You have to do more
than provide to be a good parent.

My overwhelming impression from the men I have met in my family and
working life is that the life of pure, overworking provider is a life
choice that sours badly as the years go on. Many men miss their
families terribly while they work long hours, fail to bond properly
with their families, and become outsiders. Families break up because
of this, kids don't maintain contact with a parent they never knew,
it's a very dangerous path.

I get the impression that for women, there is little comparative
cultural history to draw from. Women are trailblazing in a lot of ways
now, especially regarding paid work, which is excellent. But I do
think that the history of men regarding the work and family balance
must stand as a warning. Everyone has a lot of choices these days, but
they are choices - you can't have everything. A choice to be a parent
is a choice of sacrifice in many ways.

It is my opinion that the provider role is not one which need have a
particular gender attached. Gender is irrelevant. But in my experience
it's difficult enough to be a real parent when you only work normal
full time hours. The 60 or 80 or 100 hour, overworking "hero" mode
just cannot be compatible with family in the long term.

--
Emlyn

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