[ExI] FWD (SK) "At the end of the day, you've given 110 per cent"

Terry Colvin fortean1 at mindspring.com
Mon Jun 25 04:15:30 UTC 2007

-----Forwarded Message-----
>*Eager to preserve the English language against a 
>rising tide of nonsense, we asked readers to 
>compose a piece of prose crammed with as many 
>infuriating phrases as possible. Christopher 
>Howse is amazed and amused by the torrent of replies...*
>< http://tinyurl.com/2g89a5 >
>The Telegraph, Longon
>June 14, 2006
>Christopher Howse
>Hundreds of readers took a few minutes off from 
>shouting at the television to send an entry to 
>our Infuriating Phrases Competition. The idea was 
>to come up with a paragraph or two, no longer 
>than 150 words, packed with as many infuriating words and phrases as possible.
>Judging by the avalanche of phrases shovelled by 
>the spadeful into your inventively annoying 
>prose, many readers must be constantly on the 
>boil at hearing our language mutilated on the 
>radio, television, in shops and cafes, by 
>politicians and pundits, and, perhaps worst of 
>all, by business management executives.
>Infuriating as the language was, the entries were 
>very funny. "When it comes to abuse of English, 
>I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Do 
>you know what I mean?" Jackie Rowe's entry 
>started, worryingly. "Proactive, self-starting 
>facilitator required to empower cohorts of 
>students and enable them to access the 
>curriculum," said part of an advertisement for a teacher sent by Brian Smith.
>"Hi, there," began Janet Thomas's entry, 
>annoyingly, "How are you guys doing? Good, I 
>hope. I totally see where you are coming from. At 
>this moment in time it's not clear what is 
>happening with our language. I'm often like, hello? We are in the UK here?"
>"Our profitability is on a downward slope," wrote 
>Peter Seaton, in the authentic voice of 
>unthinking management, "and we must examine all 
>avenues to flush out unnecessary costs. Please go 
>away, sharpen your pencil and have a rethink."
>Congratulations to the ten shown here and they 
>each receive a signed copy of She Literally 
>Exploded: The Daily Telegraph Infuriating 
>Phrasebook by Christopher Howse and Richard 
>Preston (published by Constable at £5.99 and 
>available at all good bookshops, or from 
>Telegraph Books, plus 99p p&p, on 0870 428 4112 or at books.telegraph.co.uk).
>*Barry Moyse*
>The Trust are committed to sharing best practice 
>and passionate about facilitating appropriate 
>skills through workshops and learning events 
>around these issues across the piece. Monitoring 
>using a web-based toolkit will empower users to 
>drill down to assess local needs interactively. 
>Stakeholders will be fully engaged in a 
>consultation exercise breaking down barriers, 
>pushing the envelope towards a seamless, one-stop 
>shop service. Safety and value for money will be 
>paramount so we are investing a funding stream to 
>put in place a supportive multidisciplinary team 
>to head up this exciting upcoming project, 
>provide local ownership and robust clinical 
>governance. Doing nothing is not an option: 
>subject to independent review lessons will be 
>learnt, accountability made transparent to 
>commissioners, providers, and service-users to 
>ensure that this tragedy will never happen again.
>*Mrs J. M. Johnson*
>To be honest with you, I'm pressurised 24/7. I'm 
>literally in pieces. I surfed the net and sourced 
>a top-dollar lifestyle guru, and he's working 
>with my partner and I, prioritising issues so 
>that we can team up and address them - know what I mean?
>There's things that have to go on the back 
>burner, so that we can jet away to the sun and 
>chill to the max. A few drinks, a few laughs and 
>I'll be firing on all cylinders, like I say. 
>She'll shop until she drops - right? - but if 
>that's what the little lady wants, that's what 
>she'll get. We'll soak up the sun, go with the 
>flow, and come back bronzed and fit.
>Hopefully, by Christmas, we'll be sorted, and 
>ready to party, party, party big-time - and spend 
>some quality time with the kids, with the turkey and all the trimmings.
>*Andrew Macintosh and Mary Burdis*
>"At the end of the day," continued Simon, across 
>a table of Eat's Now!, his favourite nutritional 
>sustenance solutions establishment, "running 
>things up the flagpole is essential to ensuring 
>we are all singing from the same hymn sheet, so 
>that the challenges of the present economic 
>climate are met with emotional intelligence." He 
>looked up to check Michelle was still listening. 
>"Are you taking all this on board?"
>The nutritional conveyance facilitator arrived.
>"Chargrilled chicken, flash-fried vegetable 
>compote and sun-dried tomatoes. Twice."
>"Re-hydration, Sir?"
>"Evian." Simon turned back to Michelle. "I'd like 
>to run this by you." He pulled out a crumpled 
>piece of paper. "Non-Plus-Ultra 
>Surplus-to-Requirements Collection Solutions 
>requires executive disposal facilitator to 
>supervise own ring-fenced area of operations, 
>apply in first instance blah blah blah. Thought-share?"
>"Cutting edge, actually. Literally."
>Simon smiled: "I always like to give a 110 per cent."
>End of story.
>*Nick Godfrey*
>I hear what you're saying but, with all due 
>respect, it's not exactly rocket science. 
>Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the 
>matter is you have got to be able to tick all the 
>boxes. It's not the end of the world, but, to be 
>perfectly honest with you, when push comes to 
>shove, you don't want to be literally stuck 
>between a rock and a hard place. Going forward we 
>need to be singing from the same songsheet but 
>you can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally 
>hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take 
>the rough with the smooth before proceeding 
>onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear 
>your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said 
>and done, this is all part and parcel of the 
>ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean).
>*Mr Les Bolton*
>Hi, Basically, I was gobsmacked to have the 
>opportunity to take on board your suggestion that 
>I pen some lines? On the ground, you know, there 
>are basically tons of dudes using English 
>wrongly, but, basically, my single criteria is to 
>expose language thats not fit for purpose? I 
>guess, you know, thats what u r trying to do with 
>this competition, yeah? Wicked. Basically, theres 
>literally tons of words not used properly? But, 
>you know, at this particular moment in time I 
>want to look forward, not back, so we can move 
>forward together? My particular skool was gr8, 
>with teachers on the ground doing a brill job. 
>Thats how come my English is so good? Kid's today 
>basically ain't got a chance in hell? Untill we 
>get the teachers we deserve the problem is 
>basically a no-hoper. Cool. Basically, thats it, basically. ATB, Mr Les Bolton.
>The report into the crash said if there hadn't 
>been an error on behalf of the lorry driver, less 
>people would have been affected.When asked to 
>explain, the driver said "No problem. I myself 
>personally think there's no worries at this 
>moment in time. The amount of people involved was 
>not a lot. Whatever. Have a nice day."
>His wife said "Oh my God ! Fantastic ! I'll 
>always be there for him and, hey, I love him to 
>bits and stuff like that. The view I had was 
>amazing, but that's the way the cookie crumbles - the rest is history.
>"The really really important thing is that we all 
>sing from the same hymn sheet to deliver road 
>safety to the people of this country.We are all 
>guilty - see where I'm coming from?"
>*Irene and Andy Mitchell*
>Retirement has required a rigorous and robust 
>reassessment of our core competencies, visions 
>and values. Leveraged away from our 
>work-stations, a raft of financial and strategic 
>options underpins and overarches the reinvention 
>of our lifestyle mission statement.
>This has not been a seamless transition and does 
>not locate us in a win-win situation per se. 
>Restricted income generation has forced a 
>realignment of our cost base, necessitating 
>in-depth fire-fighting in order to deliver best value.
>A re-evaluation of our methodologies has led to a 
>sea-change. Tasked with delivering sustainable 
>growth in our external horticultural environment, 
>a work-in-progress encompasses benchmarking the 
>broccoli, risk-assessing the radishes and 
>applying change management principles to the 
>diverse peripherals on the compost heap.
>Our draft self-assessment analysis contains 
>transparent aims and objectives to be brigaded on 
>the terrace, applying joined-up thinking to 
>transparently piloting the rioja, and developing 
>synergies to enhance our contentment parameters.
>*B.D.Farrant *
>I don't do competitions. But, at the end of the 
>day, little ol' moi just couldn't resist this 
>challenge. Actually, there's a lot of weather 
>about 2d and moseying down to the shops has 
>soooooo lost its appeal. As a result, there's a 
>window here to think outside the box. Yes, you've 
>got it, it's a blue sky thinking moment. I mean, 
>it's not rocket science, you know. True enough, 
>but let's face facts here, this could so be my 
>conduit to a whole new ball game. Awesome, or 
>what? That's if the judges don't, like, move the goal posts.
>My better half said "Give it large, kiddo. Give 
>it some wellie. You know you want to!" Well, game 
>on, I thought, like you do. This one's in the bag.
>*Steve Chrismatkin*
>*personnel chairs cuts meeting*
>hi! many thanks for giving up your precious lunch 
>break entitlement period. we just need to share a 
>few positive thoughts in a negatively challenging 
>situation where, due to financial restructuring, 
>the scenario exists in which, owing to 
>underperformance in target areas of our core 
>business, a meltdown can be envisaged: even key 
>personnel may have to be let go. Our own 
>cost/benefit analysis of the ongoing target 
>shortfall is that this predicament needs to be 
>addressed proactively rather than focussed on 
>bottom line rigidity which denies the social 
>capital invested by our outreach commitment 
>option facilitated by all the other departments. 
>Solution: we have to push envelopes & vice versa. 
>HRD exists to effectively appraise [sic] assess & 
>recommend structural initiatives that empower 
>staff & operatives to maximise self fulfilment to 
>achieve targets along a steep learning curve 
>before the tipping point is reached in which a 
>raft of measures are [sic] overturned by 
>corporate malfunction. An online update on a 
>daily basis will follow. Muchas gracias, Steve Chrismatkin
>*R.G. Banks*
>Let's stop obsessing and get down to the nitty 
>gritty of fleshing out the gender issues. John. 
>I'm wanting to hear inclusiveness and ethnicity 
>here. A raft of blue sky thinking to challenge 
>accepted orthodoxies. The bottom line is about 
>empowerment and at the end of the day getting up 
>to speed working 24/7 towards a coalition of 
>understanding through best practice. This can 
>only be fully achieved if the glass ceiling, in 
>inverted commas, is transformed into a level 
>playing field where the goal posts cannot be 
>moved without leaving a substantial carbon 
>footprint which inevitably would consign us all 
>to the expediency of existing between a rock and 
>a hard place. We must pick up the ball and run 
>because we can no longer wait for the smoking gun 
>of the next denial of service attack to consign 
>us all to the wheely bin of history.

Terry W. Colvin
Sierra Vista, Arizona

More information about the extropy-chat mailing list