[ExI] FWD (SK) "At the end of the day, you've given 110 per cent"
fortean1 at mindspring.com
Mon Jun 25 04:15:30 UTC 2007
>*Eager to preserve the English language against a
>rising tide of nonsense, we asked readers to
>compose a piece of prose crammed with as many
>infuriating phrases as possible. Christopher
>Howse is amazed and amused by the torrent of replies...*
>< http://tinyurl.com/2g89a5 >
>The Telegraph, Longon
>June 14, 2006
>Hundreds of readers took a few minutes off from
>shouting at the television to send an entry to
>our Infuriating Phrases Competition. The idea was
>to come up with a paragraph or two, no longer
>than 150 words, packed with as many infuriating words and phrases as possible.
>Judging by the avalanche of phrases shovelled by
>the spadeful into your inventively annoying
>prose, many readers must be constantly on the
>boil at hearing our language mutilated on the
>radio, television, in shops and cafes, by
>politicians and pundits, and, perhaps worst of
>all, by business management executives.
>Infuriating as the language was, the entries were
>very funny. "When it comes to abuse of English,
>I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Do
>you know what I mean?" Jackie Rowe's entry
>started, worryingly. "Proactive, self-starting
>facilitator required to empower cohorts of
>students and enable them to access the
>curriculum," said part of an advertisement for a teacher sent by Brian Smith.
>"Hi, there," began Janet Thomas's entry,
>annoyingly, "How are you guys doing? Good, I
>hope. I totally see where you are coming from. At
>this moment in time it's not clear what is
>happening with our language. I'm often like, hello? We are in the UK here?"
>"Our profitability is on a downward slope," wrote
>Peter Seaton, in the authentic voice of
>unthinking management, "and we must examine all
>avenues to flush out unnecessary costs. Please go
>away, sharpen your pencil and have a rethink."
>Congratulations to the ten shown here and they
>each receive a signed copy of She Literally
>Exploded: The Daily Telegraph Infuriating
>Phrasebook by Christopher Howse and Richard
>Preston (published by Constable at £5.99 and
>available at all good bookshops, or from
>Telegraph Books, plus 99p p&p, on 0870 428 4112 or at books.telegraph.co.uk).
>The Trust are committed to sharing best practice
>and passionate about facilitating appropriate
>skills through workshops and learning events
>around these issues across the piece. Monitoring
>using a web-based toolkit will empower users to
>drill down to assess local needs interactively.
>Stakeholders will be fully engaged in a
>consultation exercise breaking down barriers,
>pushing the envelope towards a seamless, one-stop
>shop service. Safety and value for money will be
>paramount so we are investing a funding stream to
>put in place a supportive multidisciplinary team
>to head up this exciting upcoming project,
>provide local ownership and robust clinical
>governance. Doing nothing is not an option:
>subject to independent review lessons will be
>learnt, accountability made transparent to
>commissioners, providers, and service-users to
>ensure that this tragedy will never happen again.
>*Mrs J. M. Johnson*
>To be honest with you, I'm pressurised 24/7. I'm
>literally in pieces. I surfed the net and sourced
>a top-dollar lifestyle guru, and he's working
>with my partner and I, prioritising issues so
>that we can team up and address them - know what I mean?
>There's things that have to go on the back
>burner, so that we can jet away to the sun and
>chill to the max. A few drinks, a few laughs and
>I'll be firing on all cylinders, like I say.
>She'll shop until she drops - right? - but if
>that's what the little lady wants, that's what
>she'll get. We'll soak up the sun, go with the
>flow, and come back bronzed and fit.
>Hopefully, by Christmas, we'll be sorted, and
>ready to party, party, party big-time - and spend
>some quality time with the kids, with the turkey and all the trimmings.
>*Andrew Macintosh and Mary Burdis*
>"At the end of the day," continued Simon, across
>a table of Eat's Now!, his favourite nutritional
>sustenance solutions establishment, "running
>things up the flagpole is essential to ensuring
>we are all singing from the same hymn sheet, so
>that the challenges of the present economic
>climate are met with emotional intelligence." He
>looked up to check Michelle was still listening.
>"Are you taking all this on board?"
>The nutritional conveyance facilitator arrived.
>"Chargrilled chicken, flash-fried vegetable
>compote and sun-dried tomatoes. Twice."
>"Evian." Simon turned back to Michelle. "I'd like
>to run this by you." He pulled out a crumpled
>piece of paper. "Non-Plus-Ultra
>Surplus-to-Requirements Collection Solutions
>requires executive disposal facilitator to
>supervise own ring-fenced area of operations,
>apply in first instance blah blah blah. Thought-share?"
>"Cutting edge, actually. Literally."
>Simon smiled: "I always like to give a 110 per cent."
>End of story.
>I hear what you're saying but, with all due
>respect, it's not exactly rocket science.
>Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the
>matter is you have got to be able to tick all the
>boxes. It's not the end of the world, but, to be
>perfectly honest with you, when push comes to
>shove, you don't want to be literally stuck
>between a rock and a hard place. Going forward we
>need to be singing from the same songsheet but
>you can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally
>hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take
>the rough with the smooth before proceeding
>onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear
>your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said
>and done, this is all part and parcel of the
>ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean).
>*Mr Les Bolton*
>Hi, Basically, I was gobsmacked to have the
>opportunity to take on board your suggestion that
>I pen some lines? On the ground, you know, there
>are basically tons of dudes using English
>wrongly, but, basically, my single criteria is to
>expose language thats not fit for purpose? I
>guess, you know, thats what u r trying to do with
>this competition, yeah? Wicked. Basically, theres
>literally tons of words not used properly? But,
>you know, at this particular moment in time I
>want to look forward, not back, so we can move
>forward together? My particular skool was gr8,
>with teachers on the ground doing a brill job.
>Thats how come my English is so good? Kid's today
>basically ain't got a chance in hell? Untill we
>get the teachers we deserve the problem is
>basically a no-hoper. Cool. Basically, thats it, basically. ATB, Mr Les Bolton.
>The report into the crash said if there hadn't
>been an error on behalf of the lorry driver, less
>people would have been affected.When asked to
>explain, the driver said "No problem. I myself
>personally think there's no worries at this
>moment in time. The amount of people involved was
>not a lot. Whatever. Have a nice day."
>His wife said "Oh my God ! Fantastic ! I'll
>always be there for him and, hey, I love him to
>bits and stuff like that. The view I had was
>amazing, but that's the way the cookie crumbles - the rest is history.
>"The really really important thing is that we all
>sing from the same hymn sheet to deliver road
>safety to the people of this country.We are all
>guilty - see where I'm coming from?"
>*Irene and Andy Mitchell*
>Retirement has required a rigorous and robust
>reassessment of our core competencies, visions
>and values. Leveraged away from our
>work-stations, a raft of financial and strategic
>options underpins and overarches the reinvention
>of our lifestyle mission statement.
>This has not been a seamless transition and does
>not locate us in a win-win situation per se.
>Restricted income generation has forced a
>realignment of our cost base, necessitating
>in-depth fire-fighting in order to deliver best value.
>A re-evaluation of our methodologies has led to a
>sea-change. Tasked with delivering sustainable
>growth in our external horticultural environment,
>a work-in-progress encompasses benchmarking the
>broccoli, risk-assessing the radishes and
>applying change management principles to the
>diverse peripherals on the compost heap.
>Our draft self-assessment analysis contains
>transparent aims and objectives to be brigaded on
>the terrace, applying joined-up thinking to
>transparently piloting the rioja, and developing
>synergies to enhance our contentment parameters.
>I don't do competitions. But, at the end of the
>day, little ol' moi just couldn't resist this
>challenge. Actually, there's a lot of weather
>about 2d and moseying down to the shops has
>soooooo lost its appeal. As a result, there's a
>window here to think outside the box. Yes, you've
>got it, it's a blue sky thinking moment. I mean,
>it's not rocket science, you know. True enough,
>but let's face facts here, this could so be my
>conduit to a whole new ball game. Awesome, or
>what? That's if the judges don't, like, move the goal posts.
>My better half said "Give it large, kiddo. Give
>it some wellie. You know you want to!" Well, game
>on, I thought, like you do. This one's in the bag.
>*personnel chairs cuts meeting*
>hi! many thanks for giving up your precious lunch
>break entitlement period. we just need to share a
>few positive thoughts in a negatively challenging
>situation where, due to financial restructuring,
>the scenario exists in which, owing to
>underperformance in target areas of our core
>business, a meltdown can be envisaged: even key
>personnel may have to be let go. Our own
>cost/benefit analysis of the ongoing target
>shortfall is that this predicament needs to be
>addressed proactively rather than focussed on
>bottom line rigidity which denies the social
>capital invested by our outreach commitment
>option facilitated by all the other departments.
>Solution: we have to push envelopes & vice versa.
>HRD exists to effectively appraise [sic] assess &
>recommend structural initiatives that empower
>staff & operatives to maximise self fulfilment to
>achieve targets along a steep learning curve
>before the tipping point is reached in which a
>raft of measures are [sic] overturned by
>corporate malfunction. An online update on a
>daily basis will follow. Muchas gracias, Steve Chrismatkin
>Let's stop obsessing and get down to the nitty
>gritty of fleshing out the gender issues. John.
>I'm wanting to hear inclusiveness and ethnicity
>here. A raft of blue sky thinking to challenge
>accepted orthodoxies. The bottom line is about
>empowerment and at the end of the day getting up
>to speed working 24/7 towards a coalition of
>understanding through best practice. This can
>only be fully achieved if the glass ceiling, in
>inverted commas, is transformed into a level
>playing field where the goal posts cannot be
>moved without leaving a substantial carbon
>footprint which inevitably would consign us all
>to the expediency of existing between a rock and
>a hard place. We must pick up the ball and run
>because we can no longer wait for the smoking gun
>of the next denial of service attack to consign
>us all to the wheely bin of history.
Terry W. Colvin
Sierra Vista, Arizona
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