[ExI] The Galactomatic-1000 (TM) Basement Universe

Amara Graps amara at amara.com
Sat May 19 14:16:15 UTC 2007

Not An Advertisement!

Isn't it about time you attained Ultimate Power?

With the Galactomatic-1000 (TM) Basement Universe from General Cosmic,
you can do everything God can do, in the comfort of your home! This handy
appliance can open up a negative-matter stabilized wormhole into a newly
created universe at the push of a button.

The Galactomatic-1000 has a 27-inch wormhole opening (28 inches in
Canada). It provides a full-color view of your new universes, everything
from radio to gamma rays. You can climb into your new universe whenever
you feel like it! Dispose of trash safely and easily by dropping it into
your Galactomatic-1000 and then turning the unit off, thereby pinching
the trash off from our space-time continuum forever. Great for yard
waste and pesky used plutonium!

Tired of waiting for your universe to cool enough to permit the
condensation of atoms? Wait no more! With the handy speed control knob,
you can run your new universe at anywhere from real time to 10^{22}
times faster than your own time stream. Set it to 10^5 and brew beer in
seconds! Set it to 10^9 and breed unlimited quantities of valuable
chinchillas in minutes! Set it to 10^{14} and watch galaxy-spanning
alien empires rise and wither in an afternoon! (*)

And Basement Universes aren't just for basements any more! The
Galactomatic-1000 comes with an attractive imitation wood-grain
negative-matter case that makes it perfectly at home in your den or
family room. The case reduces its total mass to zero, so you won't have
to worry about imploding your house into a black hole, or discoloring
the walls with unattractive gravitational redshifts (**). And you don't
have to worry about unlimited unidirectional acceleration due to placing
large negative and positive masses next to each other. The case of
Galactomatic-1000 (TM) is elegantly symmetrical, and the centers of
gravity of the negative and positive matter are pre-set at the General
Cosmic factory to exactly the same place, minimizing the pesky tendency
toward unlimited acceleration that you may experience with other brands
of wormhole. Any residual accelerations are prevented by the sturdy
no-skid rubber feet, which are guaranteed not to smudge your floor.

Our patented Flexi-Law (TM) feature lets you make universes with a
variety of physical laws. Make the strong force a little stronger and
let primordial nucleosynthesis provide you with plenty of pure helium
for the balloons at your next party!

Do you want to accomplish mighty industrial or scientific operations,
or just do a few chores around the house? For a small additional charge,
you can become the proud owner of a starter culture of Little Green
Guys (TM). Just drop a breeding pair of these helpful aliens into your
universe after it cools, set the speed control to whiz past a few
millennia, and they'll create a population of trillions genetically
programmed to serve you. Have their planet's wisest scholars help the
kids with their homework! Send millions of alien gardeners to weed the
yard! And an army of billions armed with antimatter artillery can
provide the ultimate in home security systems!

Feeling swamped by work? No problem! By having your Little Green Guys
build their own Galactomatic-1000s, you can create a hierarchy of
Sub-basement Universes (TM) and accomplish infinite amounts of work in a
finite amount of time. (***)

Need the advantages of a Basement Universe while on the go or at work?
Try our Galactomatic-50 (TM) Pocket Universe, a 3-inch wormhole in an
attractive snap-shut case. This wormhole connects into the same universe
as your home Galactomatic-1000, so you can have your Little Green Guys
fetch things from your house, or take things home for you (as long as
they're less than three inches across, of course!). You'll never worry
about forgetting your keys again!

All your Galactomatic-1000 needs is a few square feet of floor space and
a few quadrillion watts of electricity (available in 110V and European
220V models.)

Why wait?  Call 1-800-GODLIKE for the location of a General Cosmic
retailer near you.

(*) Caution: do not leave the Galactomatic-1000 unattended when
evolution of alien life is possible. General Cosmic is not responsible
for alien invasion or conquest of your home and possessions.

(**) Although the Galactomatic-1000 has no mass, it still has volume, so
a shipping and handling charge will apply.

(***) Sorry, only countable infinities of work can be performed by
Sub-basement Universes. This offer void where prohibited by the
Axiom of Choice.

The Galactomatic-1000 is guaranteed against defects in materials and
workmanship until the end of time, or for the life of the owner,
whichever is longer. Our liability is limited to the cost of replacement
of the Galactomatic-1000 itself. General Cosmic is not liable for damage
to the person or property of the user, or to the contents of the
universes created by the Galactomatic-1000, including damage due to
black-hole creation or antimatter spills. General Cosmic is not
responsible for normal wear of the case or any other damage due to the
second law of thermodynamics.

Little Green Guys (TM) are guaranteed for ten thousand generations or
one million years, whichever comes first. After this time, genetic drift
may cause undesirable features to arise. We advise destroying their
civilization when the warranty expires. By keeping a few spare Little
Green Guys in the freezer, you can always start again!

                             by Carl Feynman
Extropy #13 (6:2) Third quarter 1994, page 39

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