[ExI] Word Play

John K Clark jonkc at bellsouth.net
Sat Mar 7 00:07:26 UTC 2009

Over the years I've heard many things I thought was amusing, unfortunately
only one or two was original with me:

Now that you've taken that speed-reading course, you've probably already
finished reading this list.
I could not fail to disagree with you less.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
In English, every word can be verged.
Is this true or only clever?
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
Life is like an analogy.
Make things as simple as possible, but not simpler. --Einstein
My computer NEVER cras
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like my water diluted.
Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.-Sigmund Freud
That was Zen; this is Tao.
Help! I'm being held prisoner by my heredity and environment!
Drawing on my fine command of the English language I said nothing. -Robert
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
Confusion is always the most honest response.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
If you have something important to say for God's sake start at the end.
There is no bottom to worse.
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. -Gerald Ford.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
This sentence no verb.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it is just the
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why did the Tachyon cross the road? Because it was on the other side.
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
Black holes are where God divided by zero...
But other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
Don't just DO something, STAND THERE!
Visualize whirled peas.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
I avoid cliches like the plague.
I show a clear pattern of unpredictability
I thought I was wrong once...but I was mistaken.
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not sure.
I'm a very modest person, and damn proud of it.
Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for valuable prizes.
The truth will be found when it is no longer needed.
The universe is a figment of it's own imagination.
Time exists so that everything doesn't happen all at once.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Stop Plate Tectonics!
My brother was an only child.
Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.
The next sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.
It's impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Twenty per cent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you find a rock. -Will
Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.
Never forget what you need to remember.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression of stupidly than
to open it and remove all doubt.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy. -George Bernard
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.  -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Black holes suck.
Closed Captioned in HEX for Programmers.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Consider it considered!
Consistency: The last refuge of the unimaginative
Drive Offensively!
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
186000 miles a second: it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
Hard Work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
I have NOT lost my mind, it's here on disk somewhere...
Moderation in everything, including moderation.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'll never forget what's-his-name.
If you can't say it in 50 characters, then don't b
I'm more humble than you are!
If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities.
Illiterate? Write for information!
Is it ok to panic now?
It's not a bug, it's a feature.
Life is the ultimate IQ test.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Life would be easier if I had God's source code.
Martyrdom is the oldest way of achieving fame without ability.
Most of us don't sell out because nobody wants to buy.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough
money not to quit.
Murder is a crime. Describing murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing
sex is.
My greatest fear is that one of the candidates will win.
Is Life is based on a true story?
Never let your willpower get the best of you.
Advice to doctors: Never say, "Oops!"; always say "Ah, interesting!"
Never underestimate the power of a platitude.
93.7% of all statistics are made up.
One doesn't need to eat the entire egg to know it is bad.
Ninety percent of the people in any group think they're in the top ten
No matter where you go, there you are.
I know of no law of logic that demands every event have a cause.
Things like that could give hypocrisy a bad name.
Sincerity is a vastly overrated virtue.
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Oh no, not another learning experience!
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about a 7.
One picture had better be worth a thousand words, it takes up a lot more
disk space.
Only fools are certain; it takes wisdom to be confused.
Palindrome isn't one.
People who are late are happier than those who have to wait for them.
People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.
Physics and law enforcement: If it weren't for them, I'd be unstoppable.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Rebooting your brain can be tricky.
Recent polls reveal that some people have never been polled.
Right theory, wrong universe.
Science seeks to make theories that are so beautiful that Nature is
flattered and acquiesces.
Strip mining prevents forest fires!
Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.
Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Man is certainly stark mad. He can't make a worm but he makes gods by the
dozens. - Montaigne
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
A little inaccuracy saves tons of explanation.
All generalizations are false.
Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or
creed. - Bertrand Russell
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact they do so. - Bertrand
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -
Woody Allen
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. - Oscar Wild
Cabbage: A vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. - Ambrose
Egotist: A person more interested in himself than me. - Ambrose Bierce
Don't be humble. You're not that great. - Golda Meir
Wise men make proverbs but fools repeat them.
There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. - Cicero
Tell the truth and run.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
One murder makes a villain, a million murders makes a hero.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Why is there only one anti trust division?
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
I'm not breaking the rules, I'm just testing their elasticity.
I'm not even going to ignore that.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
It would be nice if entropy could be used for something constructive.
I've told you MILLIONS of times, don't exaggerate!
God not only plays dice He sometimes throws them where they can't be seen.
You can't frighten me, I'm a coward, I'm always scared.
Your idea is crazy but nor crazy enough to be true.  Neils Bohr
Anyone who is not shocked by quantum mechanics does not understand it. Neils
You are not thinking you are mealy being logical.  Bohr to Einstein
I think it's safe to say that nobody understands quantum mechanics. Richard
The great thing about Entropy is that it requires no maintenance.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
The Bill of Rights goes too far, it should have stopped at "Congress shall
make no law."
The hardest thing about time travel is the grammar.
The Internet interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits. And habits can be broken.
The Universe is a big place . . . perhaps the biggest.
Predicting is hard, especially the future.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. -Wolfgang Pauli
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What's another word for "thesaurus?"
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out all the wrong words. --Mark
Man is the only animal who blushes, or needs to. - Mark Twain
Reports of  my death have been greatly exaggerated. - Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. - Mark
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I
repeat myself. - Mark Twain
Faith is believing what you know ain't so. -Mark Twain
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
I was born in Australia because my mother wanted to be near me.
God was satisfied with his own work and that is fatal. -Samuel Butler
Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. -Erik Satie
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them? - Jules Feiffer
I've tried relaxing but I feel more comfortable tense.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word
alone. -Al Capone
Vote early, vote often. -Al Capone
You can't be a figment of my imagination, I'd have done a better job.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You could be replaced by an infinite number of monkeys.
You never know until you find out.
Nothing is difficult if you know how.
You're not as real as you think you are.
You're not right. You just SOUND right.
Of course that's a worst case scenario, the effect could be much more
localized and just destroy the galaxy.
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
Time is just one damn thing after another.
Why is there something rather than nothing?
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
All Extremists should be shot!
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?
Avoid unnecessary, inessential and needless repetition and redundancy.
I want to be a rebel just like everybody else.
In religion everything that is not mandatory is forbidden.
Heisenberg slept here, I think.
Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Inertia makes the world go round.
It's my patriotic duty to conserve energy so I do, I conserve angular
momentum too.
Individualists of the world, UNITE!
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Things are not only stranger than we think but stranger than we can think.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.
A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
A liberal is a conservative who's been drafted.
The good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
them being made.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe. - Carl Sagan
Entropy: Not just a fad, it's the future!
A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really
quite busy.
The Three Laws Of Thermodynamics: You can't win, you can't break even, you
can't get out of the game.
Particle physicists can never hold a meeting, whenever they decide on a
place they can't agree on a time.
A red sign on the door of a physics professor: 'If this sign is blue, you're
going too fast.'
Little Johnny was a scientist. Little Johnny is no more. For what he thought
was H2O was H2SO4.
If the phone doesn't ring it's me.
Most of our future lies ahead.
How can there be self-help GROUPS?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
If you're in hell and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
How can someone draw a blank?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote his book?
What the heck is a near-miss? If you nearly miss something, don't you hit
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If I'm here on earth to help others, what are the others here for?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.
An eternity is very, very long time, especially towards the end.
The meaning of life is to give life meaning.
Agnostic Prayer: Oh God if there is a God save my soul if I have a soul.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
Define the Universe and give three examples.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve
immortality by not dying. - Woody Allen
Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision? - Marilyn
When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. -
Gracie Allen
Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. - Oscar Wilde
Only the shallow know themselves. - Oscar Wilde
I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me
as members" - Groucho Marx
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by
incompetence. - Napoleon Bonaparte
Glory is fleeting but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon Bonaparte
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts
can be counted." - Albert Einstein
I'm not confused, I'm well mixed. -Robert Frost
As the island of our knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance. -
John Wheeler
God is real... unless declared an integer.
We all have the strength to endure the misfortunes of others.
A good deed never goes unpunished. - Gore Vidal
There is no problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I
advise. - Gore Vidal
Never have children, only grandchildren. - Gore Vidal
Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little. - Gore Vidal
Though I am not naturally honest I am so sometimes by chance. - William
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. - William Shakespeare
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. -Tom Lehrer
Toots Shor's restaurant is so crowed nobody goes there anymore. - Yogi Berra
I really didn't say everything I said. -Yogi Berra
I don't care what's written about me as long as it isn't true. - Dorothy
I am a deeply superficial person. -Andy Warhol
If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name?
Every generation laughs at the old fashions but religiously follows the
new. -Henry David Thoreau
Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the
earth! -Henry David Thoreau
Men have become tools of their tools. -Henry David Thoreau
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other
bastard die for his. -George Patton
Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. -Joseph Stalin
The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets. John D
There will be a rain dance Friday, weather permitting. -George Carlin
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather
straps. -Emo Philips
No more good must be attempted than the public can bear. -Thomas Jefferson
A politician is a man who approaches every problem with an open
mouth. -Adlai Stevenson
If Roosevelt were alive today he's turn over in his grave. -Samuel Goldwin
You can be sincere and still be stupid.
Prejudices save time.
Voters want a fraud they can believe in.
Man was predestined to have free will.
Reality is a collective hunch.
Everything changes but the avant garde.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The world is run by C students.
A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
University politics is vicious precisely because the stakes are so
small. -Henry Kissinger
Ninety percent of politicians give the other ten percent a bad
reputation. -Henry Kissinger
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think
it's their fault. -Henry Kissinger
Ninety percent of everything is crap. -Theodore Sturgeon
Nonviolence is fine as long as it works. -Malcolm X
If I had more time I would write a shorter letter. -Blaise Pascal
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do
and not doing it.
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
You can't measure time in days the same way you can measure money in dollars
because every day is different.
"Shut up" he explained. -Ring Lardner
"Hello" he lied.
What is true is what I can't help believing. -Oliver Wendell Holmes
I was probably the only revolutionary ever referred to as "cute". -Abbie
I don't trust him. We're friends. -Bertolt Brecht
Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I
don't care. -William Safire
If this is coffee please bring me some tea; but if this is tea please bring
me some coffee. -Abraham Lincoln
Folks that have no vices have very few virtues. -Abraham Lincoln
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. -John F Kennedy
Coincidences are spiritual puns. -G K Chesterton
A bore is someone who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
Plato was a bore. -Friedrich Nietzsche
Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. -Leo Tolstoy
Tolstoy's book are loose baggy monsters. -Henry James
Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty. -Oscar Wilde
If you want to look young and thin hang around old fat people.
There are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.
I have read your book and much like it.
When in doubt have two guys come through the door with guns. -Raymond
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. -Voltaire
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Use an accordion, go to jail, that's the law!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
He's as sharp as a beach ball.
She's as shapely as a sack full of door knobs.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I have a map of the united states in it's original size, one mile equals one
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I
can ask him what he meant.
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
At the last costume party I didn't go to, I went as the Invisible Man.
Honk if your horn is broken.
I like rarely used cliches.
Before I begin speaking, there is something I would like to say.
Half the lies they tell about me are true.
Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is called John.
Having lost sight of our goal, we must redouble our efforts!
This species has always been extinct.
 Monism is the theory that anything less than everything is nothing.
Authorized parking is forbidden!
A formalist is one who cannot understand a theory unless it is meaningless.
Every once in a while it never stops raining.
What is the question that contains the word cantaloupe for no apparent
The Universe may be as great as they say, but it wouldn't be missed if it
didn't exist.
If somebody loves you, love them back unconditionally.
Break every rule.
Computers are like lynxes in the sense that I cannot think of a suitable
analogy for either of them right now.
All true mathematical equations are tautologies.
I don't think I'm not sure but I'm not certain.
I think I don't remember.
What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our mode of
questioning. - Werner Heisenberg
Every word or concept, clear as it may seem to be, has only a limited range
of applicability.- Werner Heisenberg
Real is what can be measured.- Max Planck
The microscope can see things the naked eye cannot, but the reverse is
equally true.
So then who created god?
Chastity is not heritable.
Chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition. -Alex Comfort
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's? -Friedrich Nietzsche
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. -St. Augustine
The reason lightning never strikes twice in the same place is that the same
place isn't there the second time.
Silence is argument carried on by other means. - Ghe Guevara
Never jump on a man unless he's down.
Before they made him they broke the mold.
The average person thinks he isn't.
He had a God given killer instinct.
Have a nice day. Thank you but I have other plans.


Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
into account Hofstadter's Law.
Yes, but what if this weren't a rhetorical question?
This sentense contains exactly three erors.
"Playing with the use-mention distinction" isn't "everything in life, you
In order to make sense of "this sentence", you will have to ignore the
quotes in "it".
"Yields falsehood when preceded by its quotation" yields falsehood when
preceded by its quotation.
Disobey this command.
I am the thought you are now thinking.
This inert sentence is my body, but my soul is alive, dancing in the sparks
of your brain.
Do you think anybody has ever had precisely this thought before?
And you up there -- are you the person writing me, or the person reading me?
As long as you are not reading me, the fourth word of this sentence has no
Thit sentence is not self-referential because "thit" is not a word.
I had to translate this sentence into English because I could not read the
original Sanskrit.
What would this sentence be like if it were not self-referential?
What would this sentence be like if pi were 3?
This sentence is not about itself, but about whether it is about itself.
because I didn't think of a good beginning for it.
I have nothing to allude to, and I am alluding to it.
This sentence will end before you can say "This sentence will end before you
can say
Does this sentence make you think of dancing midget nazis?
I'll tell you how do you keep a reader in suspense
This is not a self-referential sentence.
Has eighteen letters.
This sentence refers to every sentence that does not refer to itself.
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence
wouldn't be false.
In this sentence, the concluding three words "were left out".
Although this sentence begins with the word "because", it is false.
When you're not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.
No article on self-reference would be complete without including a good
example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Stressed? No tips? Spit on desserts!
A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!
Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?
Do geese see god?
Dogma: I am God.
Evade me, Dave.
Dennis  sinned.
"Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod.
Evil I did dwell, lewd did I live.
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.
Goddam mad dog!
Let O'Hara gain an inn in a Niagara hotel
Madam in Eden, I'm Adam.
Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
Never odd or even.
Murder for a jar of red rum.
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
No, it is open on one position.
Must sell at tallest sum.
Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks "as is"!
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
Poor Dan is in a droop.
Rise, Sir Lapdog! Revolt, lover! God, pal, rise, sir!
So many dynamos.
Step on no pets.
Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts.
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Yawn a more Roman way!
Yawn--Madonna fan? No damn way!


a decimal point = I'm a dot in place
astronomer = moon starer
circumstantial evidence = can ruin a selected victim
desperation = a rope ends it
dormitory = dirty room
President Clinton of the USA = to copulate he finds interns
Princess Diana = end is a car spin
Ronald Wilson Reagan = Insane Anglo Warlord
Victoria, England's Queen = governs a nice quiet land
mother-in-law = woman Hitler
parishioners = I hire parsons
schoolmaster = the classroom
funeral = real fun
the Morse code = here come dots
the earthquakes = that queer shake
Alec Guinness = genuine class
two plus eleven =one plus twelve



                   A Quantum Mechanic's vacation
                   Left his colleagues in dire consternation
                   Though tests had shown
                   His speed was well known
                   His position was pure speculation

                            Miss. Bright

                   There was a young lady named Bright
                   Who traveled much faster than light
                   She left one day
                   In a relative way
                   And returned the previous night

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