[ExI] Recession now affecting time itself; one hour lost Sunday
possiblepaths2050 at gmail.com
Mon Mar 9 02:39:41 UTC 2009
And here we thought things could not get worse...John ; )
*WASHINGTON, DC* -- New data unveiled by economists over the weekend shows
that the current recession <http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Recession> is
even worse than thus-far anticipated. The numbers show that the far-reaching
effects of the downturn have spread beyond just stocks, housing, and the
financial sector, and are now affecting the time-space continuum itself. A
study conducted by the Treasury Department proves that precisely one hour of
time has been lost on Sunday due to the recession. "*Housing prices are
falling, the Dow is dropping, and now we're literally losing hours of time*,"
commented a government official.
The situation was deemed so critical that President
Obama<http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Obama>was awakened at 3 a.m.
on Sunday to be told of the news. Anonymous White
House <http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/White_House> sources revealed that
the President turned pale when advisers told him that "*the hour between* *2
a.m. and 3 a.m. simply disappeared*." Furthermore, Federal Reserve Chief Ben
Bernanke warned there is nothing more his agency can do to try to prevent
further time <http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Time> loss because the
prime interest rate is already at 0%.
Economists warn that the time loss could cause a downward spiral that will
further weaken the economy. "*With only 23* *hours in the day, there is less
that can be produced, and less time for consumers to spend money*,"
explained Dr. Hanke of the Time-space Economy Think Tank, adding that "*a
higher rate of unemployment and a lower GDP will inevitably lead* *to even
more hours being lost*."
One piece of good news buried in the dire report is that so far it looks
like only the United
by the time loss. "
*Thankfully Europe <http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Europe> is still
holding on to a 24 hour day, but statistical models suggest it won't be for
long*." Prime Minister Gordon Brown of Great
emergency summit to prepare his country for the possible loss of
one or more hours, something that "*hasn't happened in our country since the
depression in the 30s*." At the peak of the Great Depression in 1933, up to
5 hours were being lost per day.
In the U.S., President <http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/President> Obama
addressed the nation to calm people's fears. He also vowed to push
Congress<http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Congress>to introduce new
legislation that would deal with the time loss problem. "
*In these tough times, we cannot afford to lose even one more* *minute*,"
Obama carefully read from his teleprompter, "*which is why I propose that
sometime in the fall, perhaps a week* *after
we should add one hour to the day to compensate for this weekend's loss*."
However, Republicans <http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Republicans> on
Capitol Hill already voiced opposition to such legislation, with minority
leader John Boner Boehner claiming that "*the Democrats once again want to
bend the laws of nature* *and take control of time away from
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