[ExI] turing movie

Tomasz Rola rtomek at ceti.pl
Tue Aug 5 20:07:40 UTC 2014

On Mon, Aug 04, 2014 at 10:03:46PM -0700, spike wrote:
> Hey cool!  There's an Alan Turing movie coming in four months:
> http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2084970/
> Cool, this might be excellent.

This WILL be excellent. Just think of it. Turing and Knightley are
being parachuted into the dark heart of nazi Germany. Turing uses his
magical knowledge of "mahetmacits" to help them avoid the chase by
SS-men. Y'know, game theory, chaos theory, cool Mandelbrot pictures
drawn by automaton in his suitcase - he looks at it and he says "now
we go 500 meters left, and jump into the baloon". WTF, thinks
Knightley, but they go there and hoopla, the milkboy has just left his
milk delivery baloon unattended (because we can deliver milk to the
street but then someone has to go out and deliver bottle of milk to
the door). As they go, Knightley shoots SS-men from her crossbow,
equipped with sniper lunette, capable of downing a man from thousand
meters thanks to top-secret "ultrawolframic" arrows.

Then they start a romance, because Knightley is the very hottie. So
after about an hour into the movie Turing says to her "you know, I was
experimenting in bed with men and wanted to kill Hitler, but now I
look at you and I really wonder, could we be happy together?" and she
says "yes! and fuck Hitler" - to which he protests "noo! not
him!". Then they land the baloon into the barn somewhere in Westfalia
or Bavaria and are happy together (alas, the screen goes dark, at
least in PG-13 version but there are some deleted scenes saved for
DVD-edition). On the next day they rob the bank, using his
magicothematics and her crossbow (he also wakes up the beast inside
him and kicks a lot vanDamme/ChuckNorris style). Then they steal
another baloon and run away to some neutral country.

To spice it all up, they are chased by Turing lookalike who is a robot
powered by sophisticated mechanism with springs and pendulums and
whose springs have to be rewinded every few days (like in mechanical
clock) so he goes to prostitutes and they rewind him for money. Why
prostitutes? Because they are in every bigger city and every country,
which cannot be said about car repair man and watchmaker. The robot
also happens to be a fanatic nazi and Hitler's sycophant, so he knows
a lot of secrets. After the war he is being captured, a USB port is
soldered into his nose, they reboot him with foot in a boot and
install Windows 0.43 onto his mechanical brain and he reveals all the
secret knowledge he posesses, but also he goes crank because Windows
is in permament beta (like, certain things never change). So they put
him into some Disneyland attraction, tunnel of love or something and
this is his end. Or maybe they connect him to the net and maybe he
even subscribes to ExI.

Then just before closing captions it is being revealed that it was
real Turing which ended up on ExI/Disneyland while nazi-Turing lived
with Knightley in Switzerland and they had robo-pshychopatic children
who are going to take over the planet. The Turings switched places
during bank robbery which was a masterpiece intrigue of dark genius
nazirobot, who used his own Mandelbrot suitcase automaton to his own
advantage. Some piece by Wagner, something about human sacrifices and
burning the world ends the film as the screen goes very very dark...

I consider my version of this movie much more interesting. It's
nonsense of course, but then what the mob will actually see in the
cinema is going to be nonsense too. And mine would be at least somewhat
funny, with anachronisms (Mandelbrot) and fancy inventions a'la
impossible geometry. And the mob wouldn't care, since they can't tell
one nonsense from another.

Now go watch the movie, then reread this email and cry because after
Chaplin silent movies the cinema went downhill accelerating.

Tomasz Rola

** A C programmer asked whether computer had Buddha's nature.      **
** As the answer, master did "rm -rif" on the programmer's home    **
** directory. And then the C programmer became enlightened...      **
**                                                                 **
** Tomasz Rola          mailto:tomasz_rola at bigfoot.com             **

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