[Paleopsych] Special ACLU area

[Premise Checker]

Exclusive ACLU Area In Hell Nearly Complete
12/28/2004 - Matt Myford

[Thanks to Dick for this.]

Preparations for an ACLU-only area in Hell are nearly complete,
underground construction sources said yesterday. The area, more than 3
square miles of "hotter than usual" turf, will hold members of the
American Civil Liberties Union, an organization whose sole objective is
the elimination of Christmas from public life. "There's a mini-volcano
there burping up hot lava and everything," said an anonymous
representative of Otherwordly Construction, Inc. The company recently
sold its soul to the devil for the exclusive, no-bid offer of expanding
Hell. The construction project is believed to be the first known
addition to Hell since the 1940s, when Nazi and Japanese war criminals
headed for their eternal damnation en masse. Rumors have been swirling
that whenever a particularly active ACLU busybody prepares for
afterlife, he'll be "express shipped" to the ACLU area of Hell, "no ifs,
ands, or buts about it." A feature story in an upcoming issue of
Architectural Digest will reveal the area of Hell for ACLU members. One
editor said it "makes the lands of Mordor in those Lord of the Rings
movies look like a bright, sunny meadow." Analysts estimate the ACLU
expansion of Hell increases 10 square feet for every nativity scene
protested and 5 square feet for every time someone is forced to say
"Happy Winter Solstice" instead of "Merry Christmas." In related news,
Hell is "expanding its horizons" by housing "foreign" folks, including
Islamic terrorists. "It's all about diversity, right?" said a
representative in Hell. "For instance, we're keeping the 9/11 hijackers
here for 10,000 years or so. That may sound like a long time, but next
to eternity, it ain't nothin', bub."