[Paleopsych] NYTBR: Wish List: No More Books!
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Wish List: No More Books!
http://select.nytimes.com/preview/2005/12/25/books/1124990452143.html
Essay
By JOE QUEENAN
A few months ago, a friend whose iconoclastic, unpredictable behavior
I usually hold in high esteem handed me a book entitled "A Navajo
Legacy: The Life and Teachings of John Holiday." Apparently, he
expected me to read it, despite the fact that I am not really a Navajo
medicine man autobiography kind of guy. Flummoxed but gracious, I took
the gift home and put it on a shelf alongside all the other books that
friends have lent or given me over the years. This collection
includes: "Loose Balls: The Short, Wild Life of the American
Basketball Association"; "Hoosier Home Remedies"; "A Walk Through
Wales"; "The Frontier World of Doc Holliday"; "Elwood's Blues:
Interviews with the Blues Legends & Stars," by Dan Aykroyd and Ben
Manilla; both "Steve Allen on the Bible, Religion, and Morality" and
Allen's somewhat less Jesuitical "Hi-Ho, Steverino!"; and, of course,
"Bloodline of the Holy Grail: The Hidden Lineage of Jesus Revealed."
If I live to be 1,000 years old, I am not going to read any of these
books. Especially the one about the American Basketball Association.
Several years ago, I calculated how many books I could read if I lived
to my actuarially expected age. The answer was 2,138. In theory, those
2,138 books would include everything from "The Decline and Fall of the
Roman Empire" to "Le Colonel Chabert," with titles by authors as
celebrated as Marcel Proust and as obscure as Marcel Aymé. In
principle, there would be enough time to read 500 masterpieces, 500
minor classics, 500 overlooked works of genius, 500 oddities and 138
examples of high-class trash. Nowhere in this utopian future would
there be time for "Hi-Ho, Steverino!"
True, I used to be one of those people who could never start a book
without finishing it or introduce a volume to his library without
eventually reading it. Familiarity with this glaring character flaw
may have encouraged others to use me as a cultural guinea pig,
heartlessly foisting books like "Damien the Leper" (written by Mia
Farrow's father) or the letters of Flannery O'Connor upon me just to
see if they were worth reading. (He wasn't; she was.)
These forced reconnaissance missions ended the day an otherwise
likable friend sent me "Accordion Man," a biography of Dick Contino by
Bob Bove and Lou Angellotti. Though I revere Mr. Contino for his
matchless rendition of "Arrivederci Roma," it disturbed me greatly
that my friend would have mistaken affection for Mr. Contino's music
for intense interest in his personal history. CD's are fine: you can
read "Death in Venice" or Pascal's "Pensées" while "Roll Out the
Barrel" is bouncing along in the background. But if you spend too much
time reading about how Dick Contino finally came to record "Lady of
Spain," you will never get to Junichiro Tanizaki's "Some Prefer
Nettles." And "Some Prefer Nettles" is No. 1,759 on my dream reading
list.
I do not avoid books like "Accordion Man" or "Elwood's Blues" merely
because I believe that life is too short. Even if life were not too
short, it would still be too short to read anything by Dan Aykroyd.
And I am sure I am not alone when I state that cavalierly foisting
unsolicited reading material upon book lovers is like buying underwear
for people you hardly know. Bibliophiles are ceaselessly engaged in
the mental reconfiguration of a Platonic reading list that will occupy
them for the next 35 years: First, I'll get to "Buddenbrooks," then
"The Man Without Qualities," then "The Decline of the West," and
finally "Finnegans Wake." But I'll never get to "Finnegans Wake" if I
keep stopping to read books like "The Frontier World of Doc Holliday."
Time management is not the only issue here. There is often something
sinister about the motives of those who press books onto others. The
urge to give "Elwood's Blues" to someone who already owns unread
biographies of Franz Schubert and Miles Davis smacks of sadism; the
books serve as a taunt, a gibe, a threat, an insult. It is as if the
lender himself wants to see how far another person can be pushed
before he resorts to the rough stuff. Hint: If you're going to really
press your luck and give someone one of this year's models that you
fear they might eventually smack you with, steer clear of
Pantagruelian blabfests like "The Historian." Otherwise, you could
find yourself with a few loose teeth.
I am certainly not suggesting that all given or lent books should be
rejected, pulped, incinerated or mothballed. My sisters have
impeccable taste in crime fiction and know precisely which Ruth
Rendell to pass along next. A neighbor I met through my wife's garden
club has given me several hard-to-get Georges Simenon mysteries, all
of which proved to be delightful. But for everyone lending me "Maigret
and the Insouciant Parrot," there are a dozen others handing me "Va Va
Voom!: Bombshells, Pin-ups, Sexpots and Glamour Girls." Or "A Navajo
Legacy."
In many instances, people pass along books as a probing technique to
see, "Is he really one of us?" That is, you're not serious about your
ethnic heritage unless you've read "Angela's Ashes." You don't care
about the poor Mayans unless you've read "1491" and its inevitable
sequel, "1243." You don't really give a damn about the pernicious
influence of the Knights Templar unless you've read "The Da Vinci
Code." And you're not really interested in the future of our imperiled
republic unless you've read "The No Spin Zone," "The No Spin Zone for
Children," "101 Things Stupid Liberals Hate About the No Spin Zone,"
and "Ann Coulter on Spinoza."
Some people may wonder, "Well, why don't you simply lie when people
ask you about the books they've lent you?" There are two problems with
such duplicity. One, lying is a sin. Two, experienced biblio-fobs will
invariably subject their targets to the third degree: Were you
surprised at Damien the Leper's blasé reaction when his fingers fell
into the porridge? What did you think of that cute little ermine
affair Parsifal was wearing when he finally grasped the Holy Grail?
Were you taken aback by all those weird recipes for Sachertorte in
"The Tipping Point"? After reading "The Frontier World of Doc
Holliday," do you have more or less respect for Ike Clanton as a money
manager? Pity the callow lendee who falls for the trick question and
is unmasked as a fraud.
Because I live in a small town where I cross paths with promiscuous
book lenders all the time, I have lately taken to hiding in
subterranean caverns, wearing clever disguises while concealed in
tenebrous alcoves and feigning rare tropical illnesses to avoid being
saddled with any new reading material. Were I a younger man, I would
be more than happy to take a gander at "Holy Faces, Secret Places: An
Amazing Quest for the Face of Jesus," or Phil Lesh's Grateful Dead
memoir. But time is running out, and if I don't get cracking soon I'm
never going to get to "Gunpowder and Firearms in the Mamluk Kingdom,"
much less "The Golden Bough." Of course, the single greatest problem
in accepting unsolicited books from friends is that it may encourage
them to lend you others. Once you've told them how much you enjoyed
"How the Irish Saved Civilization," they'll be at your front doorstep
with "How the Scots Invented the Modern World," "The Gifts of the
Jews," and perhaps one day "How the Norwegians Invented Hip-Hop." If
you tell them that you liked "Why Sinatra Matters" or "Why Orwell
Matters," you're giving them carte blanche to turn up with "Why Vic
Damone Matters" or "Why G. K. Chesterton Still Rocks!" When I
foolishly let it be known how much I enjoyed "X-Ray," the
"unauthorized" autobiography of the Kinks' lead singer, Ray Davies, a
good friend then upped the ante with a copy of Dave Davies's "Kink:
The Outrageous Story of My Wild Years as the Founder and Lead
Guitarist of the Kinks." Surely, "The Mick Avory Story: My Life As the
Kinks' Drummer" and "Pete Quaife: Hey, What Am I, the Kinks' Bassist
or a Potted Plant?" cannot be far behind.
This is why I recently told yet another friend that I hated a police
procedural he'd dropped off. The novel dealt with a fictitious
organization called the Vermont Bureau of Investigation, and was
actually quite good. But when I found out that there were 15 other
books in the series, and realized that my friend might own all of
them, I feared that I would never, ever get to Miguel de Unamuno's
"Tragic Sense of Life" at this rate. And at No. 2,127 on my list,
Unamuno may only just get in under the wire anyway.
Joe Queenan's most recent book is "Queenan Country: A Reluctant
Anglophile's Pilgrimage to the Mother Country."
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