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Nice humor, steve. Keep it coming.<br>
<br>
Steve Hovland wrote:<br>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid01C5443A.E4590B80.shovland@mindspring.com">
<pre wrap="">The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The SF Chronicle via an anonymous
spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have
received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to
print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that
the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must
always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at
least not disgusting:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one
God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God,
with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the
possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was
noted with love by the secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long
has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist
thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions
(except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism
subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted
by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right
to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the
IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic _expression!
People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you???
Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news
dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be
tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has
told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or
that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like,
or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister
Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no
disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to
the committee of the whole for further discussion.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born
again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God
cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother
Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have
a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader
Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of
Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the
minutes.
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups
with brains enough to understand the difference between political
belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series
of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios,
kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned
discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance"
by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-
ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require
people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love
suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging,
but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a
quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign
managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be
forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all
stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough."
We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already.
Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just
because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm.
Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the
birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out
to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get
everyone.
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the
world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a
Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone
suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to
the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles,
and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday
Flowers and Banners committee.
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike
without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear
as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There
will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
</pre>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><font size="2" color="navy" face="Arial"><!--StartFragment --><span
style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; color: navy;"> </span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><font size="2" color="navy" face="Arial"><span
style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; color: navy;"> </span></font></p>
<div>
<p class="MsoNormal"><font size="2" color="navy" face="Arial"><span
style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; color: navy;">Bob Wood,
Ph.D., Reference Librarian</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><font size="2" color="navy" face="Arial"><span
style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; color: navy;">LSU Health
Sciences Center-Shreveport</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><font size="2" color="navy"
face="Times New Roman"><span style="font-size: 10pt; color: navy;"> </span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><font size="2" color="navy" face="Arial"><span
style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; color: navy;">Tel.: (318)
675-5679</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><font size="2" color="navy" face="Arial"><span
style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; color: navy;">Email:
trongly that </span></font><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">the truth, no matter how alarming,
trivial or
disgusting, must </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">always be told. I am pleased to report
that the
words below are at </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">least not disgusting: </font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of
the </font></tt><tt><font color="black" face="Courier New"><span
style="color: black;">United States</span></font></tt><tt><font
color="black" face="Courier New"><span style="color: black;">. We are </span></font></tt><font
color="black" face="Courier New"><span
style="font-family: "Courier New"; color: black;"><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Unitarian Jihad. There is only God,
unless there
is more than one </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">God. The vote of our God subcommittee is
10-8 in
favor of one God, </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">with two abstentions. Brother Flaming
Sword of
Moderation noted the </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">possibility of there being no God at
all, and his
objection was </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">noted with love by the secretary. </font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of
the </font></tt></span></font><tt><font color="black"
face="Courier New"><span style="color: black;">United States</span></font></tt><tt><font
color="black" face="Courier New"><span style="color: black;">! Too
long </span></font></tt><font color="black" face="Courier New"><span
style="font-family: "Courier New"; color: black;"><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">has your attention been waylaid by the
bright
baubles of extremist </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">thought. Too long have fundamentalist
yahoos of
all religions </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">(except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no
abstentions,
fundamentalism </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too
long have
you been buffeted </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">by angry people who think that God talks
to them.
You have a right </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">to your moderation! You have the power
to be calm!
We will use the </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">IED of truth to explode the SUV of
dogmatic
_expression! </font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">People of the </font></tt></span></font><tt><font
color="black" face="Courier New"><span style="color: black;">United
States</span></font></tt><tt><font color="black" face="Courier New"><span
style="color: black;">, why is everyone
yelling at you??? </span></font></tt><font color="black"
face="Courier New"><span
style="font-family: "Courier New"; color: black;"><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Whatever happened to ... you know,
everything? Why
is the news </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">dominated by nutballs saying that the
Ten
Commandments have to be </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">tattooed inside the eyelids of every
American, or
that Allah has </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">told them to kill Americans in order to
rid the
world of Satan, or </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">that Yahweh has instructed them to go
live
wherever they feel like, </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is
a great
idea? Sister </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the
record
that we mean no </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians
or Hindus.
Referred back to </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">the committee of the whole for further
discussion.
</font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">We are Unitarian Jihad. We are
everywhere. We have
not been born </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">again, nor have we sworn a blood oath.
We do not
think that God </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">cares what we read, what we eat or whom
we sleep
with. Brother </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the
record that
he does not have </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">a moral code but is nevertheless a good
person,
and Unexalted Leader </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that
Brother
Neutron Bomb of </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Serenity is a good person, and this is
to be
reflected in the </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">minutes. </font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Beware! Unless you people shut up and
begin acting
like grown-ups </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">with brains enough to understand the
difference
between political </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">belief and personal faith, the Unitarian
Jihad
will begin a series </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">of terrorist-like actions. We will take
over
television studios, </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">kidnap so-called commentators and
broadcast calm,
well-reasoned </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">discussions of the issues of the day. We
will not
try for "balance" </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for
balance by
hiring non-</font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">ideologues who have carefully thought
through the
issues. </font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear
in public
places and require </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">people to shake hands with each other.
(Sister
Hand Grenade of Love </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">suggested that we institute a terror
regime of
mandatory hugging, </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">but her motion was not formally
introduced because
of lack of a </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">quorum.) We will require all lobbyists,
spokesmen
and campaign </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">managers to dress like trout in public.
Televangelists will be </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">forced to take jobs as Xerox repair
specialists.
Demagogues of all </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">stripes will be required to read Proust
out loud
in prisons. </font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto
is:
"Sincerity is not enough." </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">We have heard from enough sincere people
to last a
lifetime already. </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Just because you believe it's true
doesn't make it
true. Just </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">because your motives are pure doesn't
mean you are
not doing harm. </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Get a dog, or comfort someone in a
nursing home,
or just feed the </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">birds in the park. Play basketball.
Lighten up.
The world is not out </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">to get you, except in the sense that the
world is
out to get </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">everyone. </font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes
that he's
pretty sure the </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">world is out to get him because everyone
laughs
when he says he is a </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent
around the
room, and someone </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">suggested that we buy some Congress
members and
really stick it to </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">the Baptists. But this was deemed
against
Revolutionary Principles, </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was
remanded
to the Sunday </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">Flowers and Banners committee. </font></tt><br>
<br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">People of the </font></tt></span></font><tt><font
color="black" face="Courier New"><span style="color: black;">United
States</span></font></tt><tt><font color="black" face="Courier New"><span
style="color: black;">! We are Unitarian
Jihad! We can strike </span></font></tt><font color="black"
face="Courier New"><span
style="font-family: "Courier New"; color: black;"><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">without warning. Pockets of
reasonableness and
harmony will appear </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">as if from nowhere! Nice people will run
the government
again! There </font></tt><br>
<tt><font face="Courier New">will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi
Room
after the revolution. </font></tt></span></font></p>
</div>
</div>
<pre wrap="">
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</pre>
</blockquote>
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