[extropy-chat] Designing Women. And Men.

[Amara Graps]

Fantastic!!

Amara

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Designing Women. And Men.

http://www.felbers.net/fa/2005/11/25/designing-women-and-men/

EXT. THE HEAVENS - DAY (SIX)

[The Grand Old Designer (GOD) is tinkering with his latest creation.
Enter the Angel STAN, a close friend.]

STAN: Hey, I got your message. Wassup?

GOD: Oh, hi, Stan. Just finishing a thingŠ

STAN: Wow, is that Earth down there? It looks great!

GOD: Thanks.

STAN: Beasts and fishes and everything. You've really put a lot of
work into that. And it shows.

GOD: Aw, it's just this thing I've been doing, you know.

STAN: Well, it's top-notch. So, what's the four one one?

GOD: Just the crowning acheivement. They think, they talk, they're all
that and a bag of chipsŠ Stan, beholdŠ. Man.

[With a flourish, GOD displays his Creation.]

STAN: OkayyyyŠ.

GOD: Pretty great, huh?

STAN: Yeah, super. [pause.] But -

GOD: What?

STAN: Well, I don't know. You're the omnipotent one, butŠ

GOD: Come on, what's on your mind?

STAN: Well, it sort of looks like you copied some of the skeletal
stuff from those "monkeys" down there.

GOD: Hey, if it ain't brokeŠ What's your point?

STAN: Well, you've got these new things standing upright, correct?

GOD: YesŠ

STAN: So, from a design standpoint, isn't that a little wonky? I mean
look at the knees. A bipedal posture is going to wear those down
painfully over time.

GOD: Sure, but -

STAN: And the spine. It's just not set up to take the stress of that
gait. A lot of these guys are going to have some pretty intense lower
back pain.

GOD: Maybe, but -

STAN: And don't even get me started on the femalesŠ

GOD: What's wrong with Eve!?

STAN: Nothing, nothing - she's a total cutie. ButŠ look, you pretty
much just inflated the monkey skull to twice its normal size, right?

GOD: Er, pretty much.

STAN: Well, look at that girl's hips. And herŠ fiddly bits.

GOD: What about 'em?

STAN: With that skull size and that birth canal, you're letting her in
for a world of pain. Thousands of 'em are going to die trying to give
birth.

GOD: But thousands more will live.

STAN: Sure.

[pause]

GOD: I'll just tell 'em that this is their burden. Cosmic justice and
whatnot.

STAN: Why do that when you could just design them with a little more
headroom down there? I mean, you do want to design this intelligently,
right?

GOD: Naturally.

STAN: So, howsabout you throw in a little more padding on the knees,
reinforce the lower spine, give the ladies a wider undercarriage and
badaboom! I mean, that'd work better than just a hastily-modified
monkey, right?

GOD: Š

STAN: But hey, what do I know?

GOD: Is there anything else?

STAN: Wha-? No, I don't think I should say -

GOD: No, come on! What's on your mind?

STAN: You seem angry.

GOD: I'M NOT ANGRY!

STAN: You sound angry. Maybe I should goŠ

GOD: THOU SHALT TELL ME YOUR GRIPES!

[Thunderclap.]

STAN: Okay, okay. UhŠ

GOD: Go on.

STAN: Okay. Putting the reproductive stuff so close to the waste
systems is going to cause a lot of infections, see? And look at this
thing, this "appendix' - you just left that in there from your horses
and whatnot and it's not even going to do anything except occasionally
explode and kill its owner, right? And I hate to harp on the upright
thing, but couldn't you have reimagined these "feet" to be a little
more durable, or do you actually want their arches to collapse and the
whole thing to hurt? And this whole genetic system opens the door for
spontaneous and/or hereditary mutations that can cause devastating
diseases and defects that can be passed down and physically or
mentally cripple some of their offspring right outa the gate.

[Pause.]

STAN: I guess what I'm saying is that with you being all-powerful and
all-knowing, why would you use 98% of your chimp design and cut
corners on your most important creation?

GOD: MaybeŠ I just work in mysterious ways. Did you ever think of
that, Mr. Smartypants?

STAN: Of course, of course. SoŠ why not fix some of the obvious design
flaws and leave out some of the vestigial junk from other creatures
down there? It's one thing to build in an expiration date, but with
all your resources, some of this just seems a little bit lazy, don't
you think? Why the appendix? Why the monkey knees?

GOD: Š

STAN: What?

GOD: Š not telling.

STAN: Aw, come on.

GOD: No.

STAN: You don't have a reason, do you?

GOD: I do too.

STAN: So why don't you tell me?

GOD: It's a secret.

STAN: Bull.

GOD: It's true.

STAN: Whatever.

GOD: You're anti-God, aren't you?

STAN: What? No, I'm your friend.

GOD [pouty]: It sure doesn't sound like it.

STAN: Well I am. Look, what do you say we go get a pizza, huh? Would
that make you feel better?

GOD: Šmaybe.

STAN: Okay, come on.

[They begin to leave.]

GOD: I really worked hard on that.

STAN: I know. And you did a great job.

GOD: Damn straight I did.

STAN: I'm just a quibbler, I guess.

GOD: I'll say.

[GOD grabs his fedora, turns out the light. We hear a celestial Chevy
starting up, peeling out, and driving away.]

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Amara Graps, PhD          email: amara at amara.com
Computational Physics     vita:  ftp://ftp.amara.com/pub/resume.txt
Multiplex Answers         URL:   http://www.amara.com/
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"It is intriguing to learn that the simplicity of the world depends
upon the temperature of the environment." ---John D. Barrow