[extropy-chat] humor: random newtonmas thoughts

spike spike66 at comcast.net
Sun Dec 24 05:34:37 UTC 2006

...U2 for sheer grandeur...

How about Spyro Gyra for the feeling of progress, music that has aged
extremely well in the last 25 years.

It occurred to me that we are the victims of meme-rape by way of christmas
music.  Think of all the songs to which you know most or all of the words.
What percentage of that list are christmas songs?  We all have our rock and
roll faves, we learn the words and the tunes, but christmas songs are forced
upon us annually.  There is little escape, short of moving to a muslim holy
city.  Christmas songs may find a way into there soon in spite of the threat
of death.  There is no escape, resistance is futile.

Every country singer will record a christmas album for its commercial value
and every shopping mall will play it to the edge of insanity (ours) again
for commercial reasons from the time the Thanksgiving dishes are cleared off
the table until after New Years.  Those words and those tunes will drill
into our brains and stay there, against our will if we make a feeble attempt
to resist, for we will be brutally meme-raped anyway.

So since we all know those words anyway, let us at least ridicule them
mercilessly, shall we?  Choose your most vile examples and blast away.  For

The weather outside is frightful
But the fire is soooo delightful
And as long as you love me soooo
(Let it snow}^3.

So what if the weather outside clears up, or the fire goes out, or she stops
loving the guy so.  Does he then attempt to *not* let it snow?  Does he run
outside with a butterfly net attempting to catch the snowflakes, shouting
don't let it snow?  Cubed?

Consider the traditional ballet the Nutcracker.  We are told that it is a
timeless classic that has delighted children for ages.  This is an enduring
lie, for children find this work every bit as boring and downright bizarre
as adults do.  For instance, start with the basic story.  A little girl gets
a nutcracker as a christmas gift.  OK we are talking some serious naughty
here friends.  To get such a lame gift as this, she must have, at the very
least, committed a violent felony.  Since food is seldom processed at this
level in the home, most children (and for that matter most adults) have
never seen an actual nutcracker.  But kitchen hipsters know that a
nutcracker looks a sorta like a weird pair of pliers with teeth.

So this felon-child gets a humanoid figurine which she refers to as a
soldier.  We have a mental image of a soldier, a Rambo-like character or
Lindy Englund for instance.  Clearly this red-coated humanoid figure bears
exactly zero resemblance to either a soldier or a nutcracker, but somehow a
human ballerino (or whatever is the male counterpart of a ballerina) shows
up for a sword-fight with a giant rat, both with enormous bulges in their
crotch regions.  Honest to evolution I couldn't even make up something as
utterly bizarre as this "christmas classic" without near-fatal overdoses of
hallucinogens sufficient to scare Howard Stern into becoming a republican.  

But I digress.

Consider the ones such as

(Santa is) "...makin a list, checking it twice,
gonna find out who's naughty and nice..."

Naughty *and* nice?  Does that mean to be visited by the jolly elf, one must
be both naught and nice?  Simultaneously?  He only gives toys to morally
ambiguous characters?  Then the kid with the "nutcracker" can forget it, for
she is pure evil.  

But the part that really gives me the creeps is where "He sees you when
you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..."  which suggests that the
corpulent pervert also sees you when you are in the shower.

Any why is it that at christmas, there are all these weird recipes that come
out only in December?  They call for an ingredient called "extra virgin
olive oil."  I am not kidding, there really is such a substance, but clearly
it begs explanation.  Is it made from olives that really have never never
ever ever done aaaanything beyond minor wardrobe malfunctions?  Or is it
something along the lines of: "WOW there are broads all over this place,
hard to get an accurate count, but I keep getting 73.  There must be some

If Weird Al Yankovic made a christmas album, what would it be like?


More information about the extropy-chat mailing list