[ExI] Impending Newtonmass... what should I buy the atheist inmylife?

spike spike66 at att.net
Sun Dec 21 06:09:43 UTC 2008

> > Good Newtonmass cheer all round. Emlyn
> This is a start, Emlyn, but I am missing the usual cutting up 
> and carrying on that comes down on this forum about this time 
> of year...

For instance, the christians are celebrating the virgin birth.  We can do
our take on that by celebrating the virgin mirth.  That's all about having
the proper geek attitude: we never get laid but we have a great sense of
humor about the whole thing.

Even the most hard core atheists among us know all the lyrics to christmas
songs.  We do, right?  No matter how hard we try to not know those words, we
know em anyway.  We have been mind raped, even the radical Presbyterians,
and they are not happy about it at all.  There is nothing we can do.  Or
rather there is.  Find ways to ridicule the songs.  Many of them contain
funny stuff.  Consider:
...long lay the world in sin and error piiiiiining...  

Well when you really think about it, most sin isn't exactly an error.  Most
of the time it was done intentionally.  We really don't mistakenly do any of
the devilment (Whoops, I just accidentally coveted my neighbor's ass...)

Or try finding christmas songs with funny words, such as ye.  Ye is found
only in christmas songs, and it is a kind of silly sounding word.  It is
easy to see why the English dropped it.  Try singing a ye song and every
time the word ye appears, accent it in fortissimo, so its ...god rest YE
merry gentlemen let nothing YE dismaaay...  Then start randomly and
increasingly subsituting random syllables with ye:
...remember YE our savior 
was YE on christmas YEEE, 
to YE us all from YE YE's power
when YE were YE YE YEEEEE
o tidings of YE YE YE and YEEE

and pretty soon ye start sounding like Crazy Guggenheim.

The word "virgin" shows up a lot in christmas songs.  You can entertain
guests by substituting "trollop" or "harlot" or "strumpet" wherever you
would ordinarily sing "virgin."

Or make up a funny scene involving the Virgin Mary, such as the principal of
the local high school addressing the prom:

"Welcome Nazareth High class of Negative Oh One!  This year's prom king and
queen are Joseph Christ and the Virgin Mary Finklestein!"

(Applause, followed by awkward silence, people looking around.)

"Ummm, has anyone seen Joey and Virgie?  They were here earlier?  Left
together an hour ago?  Ummm... OK then...Let's have the band crank up
another jumping dance tune...)

I shoulda been a writer for Saturday Night Live.




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