[ExI] The Existence of Jesus (FICTION)

[The Avantguardian]

----- Original Message -----
> From: Ben Zaiboc <bbenzai at yahoo.com>
> To: extropy-chat at lists.extropy.org
> Cc: 
> Sent: Monday, February 6, 2012 5:39 AM
> Subject: Re: [ExI] The existence of Jesus (Was: Political Origins of Life)
> 
> BillK <pharos at gmail.com> jested:
> 
>> But, of course, Jesus may not actually have said that ...
> "Jesus may not have actually said that" sounds very like "King 
> Arthur may not have actually lived at Camelot" to me.  Am I in a minority?

In the spirit of the lunatic that the creationists will make me out to be, allow me to offer the following joke to entertain those you who grokk:

You all know that I am an atheist, but it so happens that an upload of one of my descendants, who will at the time live on Kepler 22b, one Stuart the XIVth.II Beta Version will by chance, and boredom, become a Mormon. He later will apologize to me citing that since he was an upload, *real* booze wasn't an option for him anyway and a Mormon hawty's biggest errogenous zone was her mind, just like everyone else's. Furthermore he could marry as many of *those* as he wanted. 

Anyway, you get the drift and to cut a long story short, I ended up forgiving him because none of this would have happened if Colorado hadn't kicked out the FLDS in the 25th century and forced them to move to Kepler 22b. So like always, it was the governments fault.

In any case, by virtue of the Mormon Baptism by Proxy, not only will the gates of heaven be open to me after I die, but I also have complete recollection of my premortal existence in Heaven.

And it so happens that one day, (which in Heaven is not saying much, because that is what Heaven is, one loooooooooooooong day), I got tired of getting beaten at chess by Einstein. So I got up and bid him a good day, which likewise in Heaven is not saying much, and took my leave of the man. 

I decided to go and hang with Jesus who actually was a fun guy to roll with. After all, he liked the whores, and you never had to pay for sushi when he was around. I got up to the front door of the Heavenly Mansion and got ready when to knock when I heard the most terrible ruckus from inside. And while I am not normally nosy, this was God and well to put it frankly when God speaks, you can't help but overhear:

"Dammit, son, you will do as you are told and go to Earth!"

"But, dad, I don't mind Earth but why then and there!?! I hate the Romans! They enslave EVERYBODY! And why do I have to be a Jew? I mean can't I go to Greece or something? I like the climate and the wine there."  

"It's because of my covenant with the Jew's, son."

"What? You want me to go to the ghetto because of that stupid bet you made with Abraham? That he wouldn't whack his only son for you? Dad?!? We have talked about your gambling addiction! Einstein might not know you play dice with the universe but it won't be long before he figures it out. He's not stupid you know! And what's with this sudden obsession of yours with betting on human behavior? I mean you got outstanding bets with Satan regarding exactly how much of a tool Job is and another bet going on with Abraham about the number of straight guys in Sodom. And now this?!?"

"Don't worry son, you will only have to be there for about 30 years or so."

"Oh well that's not so bad. Then I get to go to Athens?"

"No, then the Roman's crucify you."

"Oh . . . wait, what?!? Are you fucking kidding me?"

*Clap of thunder*

"Mind your Language, Boy!"

"But, Daaad, you're talking about sending me down to Earth as a Jew just so that I can get nailed to a tree by some Romans. Being a Jew is bad enough but that's insane!"

"No, son, they only nail common criminals to trees. Because you are my son, they will build a special contraption to nail you to. See, I got the designs right here. See that crossbeam? That's designed to keep you alive until I get done with my golf game. When will that be? Oh, I am thinking about sixish. It depends on whether I make par or not but it doesn't matter because with the crossbeam you could hold out until morning, except for dehydration and stuff. But don't worry it won't come to that, one of the Roman centurions on duty at the execution will suddenly remember that his wife is cooking porkchops that night so he is going to shank you with a spear, so he can go home early."

"But Dad!?! If I have to get executed, can't I get executed by the Athenians?"
 
"Greeks, Romans, why would you care WHO executes you?"
 
"Well Socrates says that in Athens, they execute you by making you drink a generous portion of wine laced with hemlock."
 
"Now, listen, here young man! So long as you live in my mansion, my kingdom, or my universe you will live by MY rules! AM I UNDERSTOOD THAT I AM?!?"

'"Yes, Dad."
 
"GABRIEL! MICHAEL! Socrates no longer allowed on the premises! Capiche?"
 
I heard the muffled flutter of wings and much ass-kissing.
 
"But dad, if I have to live by your rules in Heaven and on Earth, that only leaves Satan's place."
 
"Well I don't care what what you do when you are at your brother's."
 
"Cool."
 
"What?"
 
[Authors Side Note: Satan smokes pot and most of the hottest actresses in Hollywood end up at his place. Except for Angelina Jolie . .  She's STILL with Brad Pitt. ]
 
"Nothing. Nothing. Say does Mom know you plan to send me to Earth as a Jew just so that the Romans can kill me before I get a full beard?"
 
"What? Nice try, son. But your mom is currently only nine years old and Gabriel thinks it would be creepy to tell anything about my intentions to knock her up for a few more years. He recommends waiting until after she finds some sucker to marry her so he can feed your non-job-getting ass."
 
"Damn! Well ok, it looks like you got me by the short hairs there, Dad. So what about the Holy Spirit?"

"Yeah? And? What about the Holy Spirit?"

Well do I get to take it with me? You know do the magic and stuff? You know chicks dig the bling!"

"Yes, son, but only if you promise not to use the magic to get rich, hurt anyone, or keep yourself from getting your ass kicked."
 
"Wait. WHAT? That's not fair! How do I ever get any chicks if I am broke, polite, AND wimpy?"
 
"Well you could always conjure food."
 
"What? What kind of ghetto bitch is going to do me for fried chicken?"
 
"Mary Magdalene, here's a picture of her."
 
"Well ok, I guess, at least I won't die a complete virgin. Does she do anal?"
 
*Several Thunderclaps*
 
"OK OK Dad . . . I will go along with your stupid plan. But please stop, no more lightning. But I got to know one more thing. Why her for my mom? I mean why not a RICH Jewess I mean there are plenty of those."
 
"Ahhh . . . but you see that is the beauty of my plan."
 
"What, I don't get it?"
 
"Well she is the great-great-great-great-great-great grand-daughter of King David. And King David is the great-great-great-great-great-great grand-son of . . ."
 
"Gasp... ABRAHAM?!? You are sending me YOUR ONLY SON down to the armpit of the Roman Empire to get beaten, whipped, and CRUCIFIED by mouth-breathers on a 'special' tree that you designed yourself; all so that you can fuck Abraham's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-daughter? All because you lost a bet with him that he would not kill his only son for you . . .  and then . . . but wait... He didn't actually kill his son! You stopped him! So maybe I am bit slow here but, one more time, why do I have to DIE a poor Jew tortured to death by Romans?"
 
"That's bullshit, son. I created ALL the trees."
 
"Wait what? That doesn't even answer my question! Sometimes you are IMPOSSIBLE to talk to! I could literally pray to you all day and it's like you aren't even listening!"
 
"You want to know why, son? Because I lost the lease on the Earth in my last bet to your brother. So now I have the mortgage to Heaven staked in a bet with Vishnu, that I will have more followers than he by the end of the 22nd century. So if you don't do this for me, Son, then you and EVERYBODY up here will have to move in with your brother."
 
"Oooh. I can see how that would kill the vibe of Satan's pad. He wouldn't like it one bit. Ok, Dad, you win, I guess I will do it just this once . . . You know for the team. When do you want me to leave?"
 
"Today."
 
"Right, of course."
 
"Hey Dad? I am gonna see what Stuart is up to ok?"
 
"OK. Be back in time for supper."
 
"Yes, Dad."
 
Just then the door opened and I saw Jesus' face. He didn't seem his normal happy self.
 
"Oh hey, Jesus, I was just stopping by to see if you wanted to hang? What's wrong?"
 
"My Dad is sending me away to Earth to be a Jew for a while. I gotta learn carpentry and then ironically get nailed to a cross by the Romans for pissing off the wealthier Jews. You know the popular ones that get laid all the time."
 
"Why is he doing that?"
 
"Ooooh I'd rather not not talk about it. It's kind of sensitive. Family secret and all."
 
"Oh, no problem. You know it could be worse?
 
"How so?"
 
"Well at least he's not sending you to the Earth, to get executed by the Native Americans. They like to pour honey all over you and then tie you down on an ant hill to slowly be eaten alive by ants."
 
Jesus shuddered and then looked at me curiously, "Say, Stu, you ever read the Book of Mormon?"
 
"No, why?"
 
"Nothing, never mind."
  
 "So when do you leave for Earth?"
 
"Today."
 
"What does that even mean?"
 
"I don't know."
 
"So what do you want to do now?"
 
"Oh I was thinking we could stop by Hell and see what Satan is up to."
 
"Sounds good to me. Let's roll."
 
THE END
 
Stuart LaForge
 
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson
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