[ExI] Clinton is wrong about everything, but wrong within normal parameters
johnkclark at gmail.com
Sat May 14 21:27:22 UTC 2016
*Satirist P.J. O’Rourke is a conservative Republican, but for the first
time in his life is endorsing a Democrat for President, here he explains
I endorse Hillary Clinton for president. She is the second-worst thing that
could happen to America. I endorse her. And all her pomps. And all her
empty promises. Better the devil you know than the Lord of the Flies on his
own 757. Flying to and fro in the earth, with gold-plated seatbelt buckles,
talking nativist, isolationist, mercantilist, bigoted, rude, and vulgar
crap. The electorate is possessed by a demon. (Two, if you count Bernie
Sanders, the Donald Trump for people still living in their
parents’ basements.) America is experiencing the most severe outbreak of
mass psychosis since the Salem witch trials of 1692. No, it’s worse than
that. What kind of witch hunt leaves goodwife Hillary not dunked in a pond?
Wicked and all wet though she is, I pledge my all to aid Hillary in
confining Donald Trump to the stocks on the It-Takes-A-Village green.
(Bernie’s already been pressed under heavy stones—a real pair of
Dorothy and Toto’s house fell on Hillary. I endorse her. Munchkins endorse
her. Donald Trump is a flying monkey. Except what the flying monkeys have
to say, “oreoreoreo,” makes more sense than Trump’s policy statements. Not
that Hillary makes much sense either. Hillary is wrong about everything.
She is to politics and statecraft what Pope Urban VIII and the Inquisition
were to Galileo. She thinks the sun revolves around herself. But Trump
Earth™ is flat. We’ll sail over the edge. Here be monsters. Hillary is a
terrible bien pensant, taking her opinions from the top of the star-studded
social ladder. In another day and place she’d be campaigning from Tara with
the slogan “Fiddle-Dee-Dee.” Frankly, Hillary, I don’t give a damn. I
endorse you anyway.
Better bien pensant than pas de pensees. Better a nit of wit than a louse.
Better a mangy cat than a rabid dog. Better the scurrying of mousey
progressivism gnawing at the fabric of society in the White House than a
rat sitting on the Oval Office desk. Better to root up the garden of free
enterprise with the Democratic pigs than run off a protectionist cliff with
the Gadarene swine Republicans.
Ever since Athens in the 5th century B.C. the great enemy of democracy has
been the demagogue. But—O tempora! O mores!—now we’ve got a firebrand soap
box orator who cannot so much as put a coherent sentence together. He likes
to “talk bigly.” Here’s to you, Hillary, for saving your best bloviation
for your highly paid speeches to shady bankers. I would, if I could, pay
Trump more to shut up. Hillary, you are the crone in crony capitalism. I
endorse you. I choose Goldman Sachs’s milch cow over the cretin bull siring
his herds of mini-Minotaurs—half-men, half-bullshit—laying waste to
Better a Marie Antoinette of the left saying, “Let them eat fruit and
fiber,” than a Know Nothing who would be Robespierre if he could spell it.
Let me tell you why Hillary is a great presidential candidate—by
comparison. Don’t rush me here... Did I mention that she’s the second-worst
thing that could happen to America?
She’s a better real-estate developer than Donald Trump. Trump Taj Mahal
Casino, Trump Plaza Hotel, and Trump Entertainment Resorts went bankrupt.
Trump restructured $3.5 billion in business debt and $900 million in
personal debt. “Restructured” being the Trump way of saying he didn’t pay
it. The $39.2 million that it cost taxpayers to investigate Hillary’s
Whitewater scam is nothing by comparison. She doesn’t cheat at golf. True,
Hillary screwed up during the attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi. As
opposed to Donald Trump, who would have sent his supporters to boo and hiss
the Islamic extremist attackers and then ask the police to take the
extremists away. Yes, Hillary sent twenty-some top-secret State Department
documents to her personal email server. But this shows that she can keep a
secret, even if she doesn’t know where to put it and it ends up decorating
her Pinterest site. Trump would have sold the top-secret documents on eBay.
Also, at least the CIA and NSA and so forth tell Hillary secrets. Would you
tell a secret to Donald Trump?
Speaking of which… Like a toddler in a home with a loaded handgun, sooner
or later Donald will find the briefcase with the nuclear launch codes.
Better set the combination lock code to “411” before he does—he’ll never
think of that. Donald hates information. And the Clinton Foundation is an
ugly mess of American foreign policy influence peddling and conflict of
interest. Donald Trump will fix it. He has no interest in foreign policy so
where’s the conflict? Give him a few months in office and America
won’t have any influence left to peddle. Hillary, I endorse you although
you don’t belong in power—you picture of self-satisfaction out of doors.
Count me the Iago of your supporters, you ding-dong bell in your West Wing,
wild-cat in your can’t-stand-the-heat-get-out-of-the-kitchen, plaster saint
in your injuries, player in your housewifery, and housewife in your bed.
(Sorry, my mistake, that’s somebody else’s wife in bed with your husband.)
You’re a smug one, Hillary,
You really are a snoot,
You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as a newt, Hillary,
You’re a bad banana in an garish and expensive power suit!
You’re a limousine liberal, Hillary,
Your heart’s an empty hole,
Your brain is full of Sidney Blumenthal, you have boiled kale in your soul,
I endorse you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!
In sure and certain hope of resurrection I endorse Hillary.
She’ll work a miracle for the Republican Party. I’ve seen the GOP die and
be buried before—with Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, and Watergate. In four
short years there was a Second Coming. I endorse Hillary. Ecce feminae.
Behold Jimmy Carter in a pantsuit.
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