[Paleopsych] Liberals flock to Canada

[Steve Hovland]

> Illegal immigrants in Canada
> Wednesday, November 17, 2004
>
> The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
> has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
> to stop the illegal immigration.
>
> The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left
> leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and
> agree with Bill O'Reilly.
>
> Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
> professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
> at night.
>
> "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
> producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
> whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
> hungry.
>
> "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When
> I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him
> my screenplay, eh?"
>
> In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
> fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
> that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
>
> "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
> annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
>
> Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
> near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
> them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
>
> "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
> Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
> drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet,
> though."
>
> When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
> wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
> have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
> re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
> beer, learn how to shoot a handgun and watch NASCAR.
>
> In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes
> ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as
> senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
> After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
> Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
> supposed senior-citizen passengers. Many others were caught wearing
> Birkenstock sandals with young appearing feet in them -- a dead
> giveaway.
>
> "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
> we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
>
> Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
> creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
> Sarandon movies.
>
> "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
> support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
> does one country need?"
>
> In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
> President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
> the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
> to Cheney said.
>
> "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
> some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined
> to reach out."

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