[Paleopsych] FW: Unitarian Jihad

Tue Apr 19 17:58:11 UTC 2005

It's nice to be a Canadian! Cheers, Val Geist
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Steve Hovland 
  To: paleopsych at paleopsych. org (E-mail) 
  Cc: PoliticalSpinroom (E-mail) 
  Sent: Monday, April 18, 2005 5:20 PM
  Subject: [Paleopsych] FW: Unitarian Jihad

  The following is the first communique from a group calling itself 
  Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The SF Chronicle via an anonymous 
  spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have 
  received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to 
  print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that 
  the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must 
  always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at 
  least not disgusting: 

  Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are 
  Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one 
  God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, 
  with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the 
  possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was 
  noted with love by the secretary. 

  Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long 
  has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist 
  thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions 
  (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism 
  subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted 
  by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right 
  to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the 
  IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic _expression! 

  People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? 
  Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news 
  dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be 
  tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has 
  told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or 
  that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, 
  or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister 
  Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no 
  disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to 
  the committee of the whole for further discussion. 

  We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born 
  again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God 
  cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother 
  Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have 
  a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader 
  Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of 
  Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the 
  minutes. 

  Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups 
  with brains enough to understand the difference between political 
  belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series 
  of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, 
  kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned 
  discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" 
  by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-
  ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues. 

  We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require 
  people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love 
  suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, 
  but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a 
  quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign 
  managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be 
  forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all 
  stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons. 

  We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." 
  We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. 
  Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just 
  because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. 
  Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the 
  birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out 
  to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get 
  everyone. 

  Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the 
  world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a 
  Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone 
  suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to 
  the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, 
  and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday 
  Flowers and Banners committee. 

  People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike 
  without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear 
  as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There 
  will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Bob Wood, Ph.D., Reference Librarian

  LSU Health Sciences Center-Shreveport

  Tel.: (318) 675-5679

  Email: trongly that 
  the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must 
  always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at 
  least not disgusting: 