[Paleopsych] FW: Unitarian Jihad

Tue Apr 19 04:13:01 UTC 2005

Nice humor, steve. Keep it coming.

Steve Hovland wrote:

>The following is the first communique from a group calling itself 
>Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The SF Chronicle via an anonymous 
>spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have 
>received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to 
>print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that 
>the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must 
>always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at 
>least not disgusting: 
>
>Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are 
>Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one 
>God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, 
>with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the 
>possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was 
>noted with love by the secretary. 
>
>Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long 
>has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist 
>thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions 
>(except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism 
>subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted 
>by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right 
>to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the 
>IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic _expression! 
>
>People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? 
>Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news 
>dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be 
>tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has 
>told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or 
>that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, 
>or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister 
>Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no 
>disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to 
>the committee of the whole for further discussion. 
>
>We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born 
>again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God 
>cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother 
>Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have 
>a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader 
>Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of 
>Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the 
>minutes. 
>
>Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups 
>with brains enough to understand the difference between political 
>belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series 
>of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, 
>kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned 
>discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" 
>by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-
>ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues. 
>
>We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require 
>people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love 
>suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, 
>but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a 
>quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign 
>managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be 
>forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all 
>stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons. 
>
>We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." 
>We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. 
>Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just 
>because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. 
>Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the 
>birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out 
>to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get 
>everyone. 
>
>Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the 
>world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a 
>Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone 
>suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to 
>the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, 
>and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday 
>Flowers and Banners committee. 
>
>People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike 
>without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear 
>as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There 
>will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution. 
>
> 
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>  
>
>  
>
> Bob Wood, Ph.D., Reference Librarian
>
> LSU Health Sciences Center-Shreveport
>
>  
>
> Tel.: (318) 675-5679
>
> Email: trongly that
> the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must
> always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at
> least not disgusting:
>
> Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
> Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one
> God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God,
> with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the
> possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was
> noted with love by the secretary.
>
> Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long
> has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist
> thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions
> (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism
> subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted
> by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right
> to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the
> IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic _expression!
>
> People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you???
> Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news
> dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be
> tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has
> told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or
> that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like,
> or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister
> Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no
> disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to
> the committee of the whole for further discussion.
>
> We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born
> again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God
> cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother
> Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have
> a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader
> Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of
> Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the
> minutes.
>
> Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups
> with brains enough to understand the difference between political
> belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series
> of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios,
> kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned
> discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance"
> by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-
> ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
>
> We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require
> people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love
> suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging,
> but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a
> quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign
> managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be
> forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all
> stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
>
> We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough."
> We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already.
> Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just
> because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm.
> Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the
> birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out
> to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get
> everyone.
>
> Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the
> world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a
> Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone
> suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to
> the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles,
> and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday
> Flowers and Banners committee.
>
> People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike
> without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear
> as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There
> will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
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>paleopsych at paleopsych.org
>http://lists.paleopsych.org/mailman/listinfo/paleopsych
>  
>
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