[Paleopsych] FW: Unitarian Jihad

Steve Hovland shovland at mindspring.com
Tue Apr 19 00:20:16 UTC 2005

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself 
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The SF Chronicle via an anonymous 
spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have 
received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to 
print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that 
the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must 
always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at 
least not disgusting: 

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are 
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one 
God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, 
with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the 
possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was 
noted with love by the secretary. 

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long 
has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist 
thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions 
(except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism 
subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted 
by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right 
to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the 
IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic _expression! 

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? 
Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news 
dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be 
tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has 
told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or 
that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, 
or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister 
Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no 
disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to 
the committee of the whole for further discussion. 

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born 
again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God 
cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother 
Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have 
a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader 
Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of 
Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the 

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups 
with brains enough to understand the difference between political 
belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series 
of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, 
kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned 
discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" 
by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-
ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues. 

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require 
people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love 
suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, 
but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a 
quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign 
managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be 
forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all 
stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons. 

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." 
We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. 
Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just 
because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. 
Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the 
birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out 
to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get 

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the 
world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a 
Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone 
suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to 
the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, 
and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday 
Flowers and Banners committee. 

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike 
without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear 
as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There 
will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution. 

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