[ExI] Impending Newtonmass, Oy!

Damien Broderick thespike at satx.rr.com
Thu Dec 25 07:00:20 UTC 2008

[I didn't write this:]


Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions,
it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and
Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about
1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details
were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead
cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah
was becoming prohibitive for both organizations. By combining forces,
we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality
service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is
being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and
maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A
great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the
more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed
that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast
merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at
least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children
could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for
dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally
declared to be Kosher. Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover
of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out
that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the
merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an
unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all
concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a
rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful." 

More information about the extropy-chat mailing list